Poorly Written Headlines

In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a smart-@$$.  I have a knack for twisted wordsmithing, such tweaking song lyrics like Weird Al (though definitely not as good) or news headlines, like SNL.

Today, I saw an ad on the internet titled How to cut your nighttime bathroom trips in half.  I thought, "Well hell, since I average about one trip per night, that means I'd be doing 1/2 trip per night.  The only way to accomplish that is to only make it halfway before doing the deed.  Sounds messy.  Oh, I get it!  I'm supposed to put a bucket at the halfway mark."

Why Aren't You Helping? (A Parable)

During our current president's administrations, he has quite consistently behaved in an America First manner.  In practice, "America First" has meant tariffs, browbeating, berating, and bullying of countries we've considered allies for decades.  We managed to piss off Canada!  CANADA!!  Do you know how f*ck3d your behavior has to be to piss off a Canadian!?!  It'd be easier to get the Dali Lama to lose his temper.  We've been behaving like the bratty rich kid who threw a temper tantrum when he got a Ferrari instead of a Bugatti for his birthday.  Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, where we teamed up with Israel to bomb Iran back to the stone age.

Let me share a parable:  Once upon a time, the high school bully decided to take on the crazy kid because the bully's toady said the crazy kid was going to jump the bully after class.  The bully was wildly confident that crazy kid would drop in one punch.  Instead, the crazy kid started throwing haymakers, with the occasional punch landing on kids standing in the circle watching the fight.

The crazy kid hadn't landed any real punches on the bully, but the bully was really surprised that his precision punches hadn't rendered the crazy kid unconscious.  On the contrary.  The crazy kid wiped his bloody nose on the back of his hand, licked the blood, and smiled at the bully.  From there, the crazy kid said "Oh dude.  I'm not gonna quit.  I'm gonna keep fighting.  And for those of you watching, I'm gonna keep delivering haymakers, so you might get punched."

The bully was taken aback.  Oh $h!+, he thought. This isn't what I expected.  He turned to the people in the circle watching the fight and said "Dudes, you need to help!  Can't you see he's punching you too? Why aren't you helping?!?"  All the while, he failed to realize that the people watching the fight hated him as much as they hated the crazy kid.  They didn't start the fight, and it was the crazy kid vs. the bully!  Why would they help?  After all, 1t's a lot more fun to stand by and watch the show, even if you receive the occasional wild punch.

Here ends the parable.

The Fact That I Don't Resist in Your Exact Manner Does Not Mean I'm Not Resting

My kids have turned into conspiracy theorists.  They've been poring over the Epstein files, which has taken them to corners of the internet that are full of debunked ideas.  Both of them spoke to me last week, separately and at length, asking why I won't read the Epstein files.  I said that I don't need to know the specific abuse that occurred to acknowledge that bad Sh!+ happened there.  I don't need to know who did what, because I am not the one who chooses to prosecute.  What I do know at this point is that all I can realistically do is vote, and I've been voting against incumbents since long before the Epstein files came out.  I can't recall the last time my candidate was actually elected.

In return, they think I'm burying my head in the sand, and that I support the status quo.  I had to vocally remind them that I have put my name on the line by running for elected office, and that I put my life on the line as a combat veteran.  Meanwhile, neither of them can be bothered to vote.

They both want "revolution."  They both kind of asked why I'm not starting one, and I said because I'm not the guy to do that. I don't have the charisma, the resources, or the contacts to overthrow the government, and quite frankly, I believe in our republic, I've just lost faith in those currently in power, at the state and federal level.  There's a difference between not believing in the system vs. not having faith in those running the system.  I also don't believe they truly want revolution, but rather an overhaul.

They have this mistaken belief that my choice to not read the Epstein files is complacence. In return, I say "The fact that I don't resist in your exact manner, does not mean I'm not resisting."

I'm Not A Conspiracy Theorist, But...

I've had this thought running around my little pea brain since we started our attack on Iran.  Back in January, which seems a lifetime ago based on the media news cycle, we invaded Venezuela and captured/deposed Nicolas Maduro.  The stated reason for this action was working to reduce/eliminate the flow of cocaine from Venezuela to the US.

However, once we had Maduro in custody, we started claiming their oil.  Within a couple of months, we attacked Iran, a major oil producer, and one of two countries connected to the Straits of Hormuz.  Shortly after these attacks, we publicly admitted that we had been planning and coordinating this attack with Israel "for months."

Strategically speaking, Iran's blockade of the Straits of Hormuz should have been an obvious consideration.  Realistically speaking, it's not something that could be prevented, so the next option is to mitigate the fallout.  The best way to mitigate is to ensure another oil source, which takes me back to our overthrowing of the Venezuelan head of state.

One other thing... I have to admit that I find the timing of this a little bit more than coincidental.  I can't help but wonder if Trump would have been so eager to go to Iran if the Epstein scandal had gone away.  To restate an internet meme... "The missing Epstein files aren't in Iran."

Like I said, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but... 

Whack-A-Mole

Today's post is a brief critique of President Trump's decision to lift US Sanctions on Russian oil.

Let's start with a little back story:  A couple of weeks ago, the US and Israel started a bombing campaign in Iran.  The rationale is beyond the scope of today's post, but that's primarily because the message has been so inconsistent, other than to say we're "winning," that determining the real reason is an unrealistic expectation.

Part of Iran's response to the attack has been to blockade the Straits of Hormuz.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Straits, it's a very narrow body of water that connects the Persian Gulf to the Arabian Sea.  Roughly 25% of the world's crude oil passes through this waterway, meaning that Iran's blockade carries a serious, immediate and widespread impact to the rest of the world.

The economic impact has been ... noticeable.  Gas prices in the US have increased by about 20% in the two weeks since Trump took us on this little escapade.  In my neck of the woods, the price of gas has increased by roughly 75 cents per gallon.  In response to this crisis, POTUS has announced that the US will 'temporarily lift sanctions on Russian oil stranded at sea' in order to stabilize energy prices.  In my opinion, this is a game of whack-a-mole.  Let me explain...

The original reason we imposed sanctions on Russia is because Russia invaded Ukraine, and we couldn't let this aggression go unanswered.  Oil is one of Russia's major national resources.  If nobody buys Russian oil, it's harder for them to fund their war efforts against Ukraine.

Fast forward to now... we attacked Iran, and they stopped the flow of oil from the Middle East.  As a result, approximately 35% of the world's oil is unavailable at the moment.  (Russia can produce about 10% of the world's oil.  Combine that with the 25% that flows through the Straits of Hormuz, and you see how I reached that 35%.)  Prices skyrocketed, Americans screamed, and Trump responded by allowing the world to purchase Russian oil.

Now, let me wrap this in a nice pretty bow so everyone can see how this is a giant game of strategic Whack-A-Mole.  Russia invades Ukraine. (Whack!) America doesn't like that, so we impose sanctions on Russian oil. (Whack!) We attack Iran. (Whack!) Iran blocks the Straits of Hormuz, cutting oil supplies further. (Whack!)  We lift the Russian oil sanctions. (Whack!) {Introduce my next prediction for the next whack.  Russia now has money to press their attack on Ukraine.}

This is definitely the behavior of a stable genius.

Kicking Tobacco

Today's post is inspired by Sunny. 

I started smoking when I was 17.  I loved it and was up to a pack a day within a week.  We were not allowed to smoke in boot camp, but someone from my platoon got their hands on a pack and shared with me.  I hated how congested I was for the next couple of days, but loved the nicotine.  The habit stuck with me for over 35 years.

I did quit for a couple of years in my thirties, but {wife} 1.0 and I split up and I started smoking again, despite the fact that it was a horrible financial decision.  I couldn't make my mortgage payment without a roommate, but I somehow {afforded} smoking.

Over the years I've quit multiple times.  I tried cold turkey, Zyban, nicotine patches, gum, and hypnosis, but nothing stuck.  I followed the Uncle Buck program.  I went from cigarettes to dip to cigars.  The last several years I smoked Swisher Sweets.  And when I say I smoked them, I mean I inhaled.  It wasn't that deep inhale of a cigarette, but the smoke definitely hit my lungs.

To me, a nicotine fit felt like my lungs were hungry, and a cigarette always made me full.  I suspect that's part of why cigars worked.  Inhaling cigar smoke was like a punch in the lungs, and at the end, it was similar to eating a steak dinner, because I was satisfied for hours.  That allowed me to break the ritual of going out every hour or so for a smoke break.

I finally kicked the habit a couple of years ago.  I'm thinking it's been three or four years, but I don't recall exactly when I quit.  I know it was in May sometime.  I could look it up, but it's not that important to me.  Besides, I'm tobacco free, but I'm not nicotine free.  I still get my nicotine fix with lozenges.

Lozenges work for me because they mimic some of the sensory input a cigarette provides.  Smokers can no doubt relate to that slightly spicy, peppery not-quite-burning sensation in the palate, or that slightly pasty feeling that's not quite dry mouth that comes with and immediately after a smoke.  Lozenges leave a mouth feel that's similar to a cigarette, without the inconvenient shortness of breath and other health consequences.

What finally got me to quit?  I hit a fitness plateau.  I was one of those idiots who would go to the gym, and then fire up a cancer stick on the drive home.  One random day, I was dissatisfied with my run time, and understood that while it was partially due to the ravages of time, tobacco was the biggest blocker to my fitness goals.  I'd love to say that I spontaneously threw my pack out the window and never looked back, but that's not exactly what happened.  I looked into nicotine replacement therapy and decided to try the lozenges because that's one thing I hadn't tried.  I bought a box and switched when I killed the last cigar.

As I said earlier, I still do lozenges years later, even though it's designed to be a temporary solution.  From my perspective, it's a reasonable compromise.  I'd say I'm still semi-addicted to nicotine.  I occasionally go a couple of days without a lozenge and it doesn't impact my lifestyle.  I don't get nicotine fits.  However, I made a promise to myself that I will not use tobacco again, and I will not inhale my nicotine.

One other thing I'd like to note.  Every single time I {quit} smoking cigarettes, I would hack up phlegm for a solid week or two.  When I'd quit cigars, the coughing would only last a couple of days.  I'm not an expert, but I suspect this is because cigarettes have more chemicals, which to my understanding are specifically designed to deliver the nicotine to your system faster, and I believe these chemicals are missing from cigars.  I also suspect that I didn't inhale the cigar smoke as deeply, because it was so dense.  I'm not advocating that anyone switch from cigarettes to cigars, I'm just making an observation.  By the same token, I'm not standing on my soap box and telling anyone to quit.  I'm just telling a story.

{Note: Edited to fix a couple of typos I missed the first time around.}

I'm Back (in Shape) Baby!

I believe I shared in an earlier post that after my car accident in early November, I had lost a lot of strength.  For a frame of reference, I ran a physical fitness test in October and was able to crank out 10 pull-ups, plank for 3:45, and run 1.5 miles in 13:00, or run 3 miles in about 29:00.  By contrast, around this time last month, I was plateaued at 7 pull-ups and a 2:00 plank time.  My run time was back to normal.

I'm happy to share that I did a fitness test last week and I'm back up to speed.  In fact, I was just shy of hitting that ever-elusive 11th pull-up.  (My eyes were over the bar, but I couldn't quite get my chin there.)  I held my plank for the full 3:45, and I hit a personal best of 1.5 miles in 12:50.

I'm going to give some of the credit to creatine.  People have been telling me for years that it's worth looking into, but I may or may not have a bit of a stubborn streak.  I've gone my entire life without using fitness supplements, but I finally caved.  From my perspective, it came down to the (possibly false) choice of acknowledging that I might not be able to rebuild my strength after the accident, or agreeing to try a performance enhancer that's clinically proven safe and effective.

Creatine is everything the pundits claim.  Physically, I have more energy and stamina, and I seem to recover more quickly.  At the gym, I usually do three sets of a given exercise, and I find that I occasionally have the energy to do a fourth set.  I can usually crank out an extra rep or two in each set, and I'm ready to go more quickly between sets.  I've also noticed that I'm more mentally alert.  I take my creatine in the morning, and it provides about the same pep as a cup of coffee.

This time last month, I was resigning myself to the possibility that I'd never get back to pre-accident fitness.  Now I'm looking forward to achieving some of the fitness goals that have eluded me for years.  My stretch goals are to do 12 pull-ups, to run 1.5 miles in 12:30, and to run 3 miles in 28 minutes or less.