I received a message from my ex over the weekend. We're not friends, and I don't communicate with her, but she's not blocked either. I guess this stems back to the days when we were co-parenting, when we needed to be able to communicate about the kids. Over time, communication naturally tapered off as the kids grew up. In other words, no communication means no need to block.
Anyway, she basically said something like Not sure if you heard, but I recently got a rough health diagnosis. This caused me to take stock, and along the way, someone said I should make amends to people I wronged, and I realized I never said sorry for cheating on you. I was wrong and hurtful and you didn't deserve it, no matter what was going on between you and me. I'm sorry for being unfaithful and for the pain it caused you and our family.
As you can imagine, I had thoughts, which I'm going to share in no particular order:
-Whatever. This was a long time ago and I really don't care anymore.
-Yeah, I was heartbroken and pissed for a while, not just for me but for the kids as well. But wife 2.2 is better by every possible measure. I thought I was taking a bullet, but in reality I was dodging one.
-Ummm... okay, but you do understand you're doing this for you, not for me, right?
-Oh, I get it. She's on the outs with the kids. Neither of them are talking to her right now because of her behavior, so maybe she thinks she'll score a quick win with me saying I forgive you.
-Or maybe she's hoping I'll say I forgive you so she can go back to the kids and say dad forgave me for cheating and breaking up our family, why can't you work with me now?
-Dammit, this woman is like herpes. She just keeps flaring up. I wish I could just be rid of her.
I pondered whether to share with my wife and kids that ex had messaged me. Not talking about it would prevent a bit of drama in our lives. But if (when) they eventually found out, they might wonder why I didn't bring it up earlier. I chose open communication and informed them all. They asked what I was gonna do, and I hadn't decided. I could accept the apology, even though it was kind of lame. I could reject the apology as too little, too late. I could completely ignore it.
Here's a paraphrase of my eventual reply... Thanks for reaching out. I put this behind me quite a while ago. Let's let sleeping dogs lie. Wishing you the best on your health...
I didn't want to kick her when she was down, nor did I wish to completely absolve her of wrongdoing. I also didn't want to dredge up the past. In a perfect world, this will be the last I hear from or about her. But she is the mother of my kids, so that's probably not going to happen. And I certainly don't want the kids to feel like there's something I'm unwilling to discuss with them. So instead, I'll just consider this what it is... another herpes outbreak. Or, since it's close to election time, maybe I should think of it as just another unsolicited piece of junk mail from a politician, conveniently seeking my support while knowing full well they don't really care about me, just themselves. Yeah, I kind of like that idea. Time to throw that flyer in the trash.
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