Color Me Confused

I really don't understand my ex-wife sometimes. From the time my older daughter was born, she constantly said that the kids were her primary responsibility... that she would always put them first... that she'd never do anything to compromise or jeopardize their well being...

When we divorced, she stayed in the same town as me because she wanted the kids to be able to spend equal time with both parents. Over the years, this changed a bit, and the kids started spending more time at my place. A headache here, a flat tire there, the occasional weekend getaway, and so forth, brought about a pattern where the kids ended up spending 60 to 65 percent of their time here. This combination of words and deeds brought me to the conclusion that, while her "best" wasn't quite as good as mine, she did provide for the kids to the best of her ability. Her idea of an "emergency" that would require her to give up the kids for a day or two was significantly lower than mine, but she never out-and-out abdicated her responsibility for the kids.

My perception changed last week, when we had lunch to discuss "something important" regarding the kids. During this lunch, she informed me that she planned to move to Texas, about 12 hours away from here. Apparently, she's met a man, and sees this as a golden opportunity to leave town. It's really never been a secret that she doesn't like it here... that she's staying for the sake of the kids. But this totally flies in the face of her alleged kids-come-first mentality.

Before I continue, I need to back up a bit. My older daughter will turn 18 tomorrow. Technically, she will be an adult, but in reality, she's still in high school, and not quite grown up. My younger daughter just turned 14, and in the throes of the whole teen angst part of life. And for those of you who aren't regular readers of my little blog, I should state that I am remarried, and my wife is an excellent parent to our kids. In fact, I've said on more than one occasion that sometimes she's the best parent out of the three of us. But this isn't really about my wife or me. It's about my ex effectively abandoning her kids... especially my younger one.

I've long held a perception that my ex has given my older daughter preferential treatment. My older girl has always been a daddy's girl, a little closer to me than to her mom. As a result, it seems that the kids' mom has spent significantly more time and energy trying to gain the older kid's affection, and neglecting the younger one, who's always been available to mom, but still somehow overlooked. I think that my younger one shares this perception as well, though we haven't talked about it a lot. So let's look at this from the younger one's eyes... Mom hangs around until older sis turns 18, and then suddenly she's found a boyfriend and is ready to move half way across the country.

To further illustrate the inconstancy between the ex's words and actions, she talked to the kids about her desire to move several weeks ago. I don't know the details of the conversations, but my understanding was that she told the kids that she's in love... that she's got an opportunity to move to Texas (she has family in Texas, by the way)... that she's always hated it here... and she asked the kids if it was okay to leave. Well what are the kids going to say?!? They want their mom to be happy. Of course they're going to put on a brave face and say it's okay to leave. In fact, I suspect that they genuinely believe that it's okay. But they don't understand the full ramifications of what they're saying -- especially the younger one.

There really is a lot more to this. Let's face it; my ex moving away would make life more... convenient. More convenient for me, for my marriage, and for the stability of my blended family. From a strictly selfish standpoint, it would be a good thing. And of course I have grand reservations about the man who, in theory, could become my kids' step-father. That's a complete blog post in and of itself, so suffice it to say that something smells fishy with the ex's new love interest.

But what bugs me most is that the ex would even ASK the kids if this was okay. If she REALLY had put the kids' welfare first, this would never have come up. She would have realized that moving away from the younger one now could NEVER be putting the kids first. Even ASKING them such a question forced the kids to be adults before they're ready. This whole thing is unfair to my kids... especially my little one. Color me confused.