You're NOT Fired! (But it'll cost you)Tara Conner, this year's Miss USA, has been the subject of speculation after being spotted frequenting bars while underage. Rumors have been circulating for days that she may be stripped of her crown, but such talk has been laid to rest today.
Donald Trump emerged from his office with his infamous combover slightly disheveled, accompanied by Miss Conner, who wore a blue dress with white stains. "I've always been a believer in second chances," said Trump as he zipped his fly.
Cannabis Cash-CropJon Gettman, former head of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (N.O.R.M.L.) released a report on Monday claiming that U.S. growers produce nearly $35 Billion (yes, with a "B") worth of marijuana every year. This makes the ganja America's biggest cash crop, worth more than corn and wheat combined.
"If this is so profitable, why don't we legalize it and tax the shit out of it," asked Gettman?
Tom Riley, a spokesman for the U.S. Office of National Drug Control Policy retorted by stating "Uhhhh... because it's illegal. Duh!"
Alcohol Can Help People Survive Traumatic Head InjuriesResearchers in Toronto examined over 1100 patients who were treated for severe brain injury caused by blunt trauma and made a startling discovery. Patients who were admitted with a blood-alcohol level up to .23 percent were 24 percent more likely to survive their injuries than patients with no alcohol in their system when admitted. "Maybe this was because the patients were too pickled to realize that they were supposed to die," mused an anonymous E.R. nurse.
I wonder if hospitals are going to start serving shots to these patients. And if they charge $10 for a single aspirin, how much will a jigger of Jack run?
Speaking of Mind-Altering SubstancesSome stupid crackhead in Hawthorne, FL complained to the cops that her crack cocaine "wasn't very good." Eloise Reaves walked up to a Putnam County deputy, told the cop that somebody sold her "bad crack" and dropped the rock on the deputy's car for inspection.
What's this world coming to when you can't trust a random crack dealer to give you good shit, and you can't trust a cop to help you get your five bucks back?
If You Think That was Stupid...Cornell University researcher Valerie Reyna and Frank Farley of Temple University did a study to figure out why teenagers do stupid things. At the end of their study, they had spent a lot of money, produced a lot of psychobabble and justified their existence in their respective ivory towers for another couple of years. I must be one smart motherfucker, because I came up with the same conclusion within five second... It's because teenagers are stupid!