Love is Work

I read an internet article sometime last week that had a nugget of wisdom that's been rattling around my little brain for over a week. "Love, without rebuke, is not love." That phrase has come to mind many times since I originally read it, and the more I think about it, the more I respect the statement.

Rebuke. Constructive criticism. Reality check. The specific terminology may vary depending on the circumstance, the relationship, and the roles of those involved, but the idea behind the terminology is the same. I disagree with something you do or say, and I express my displeasure. Overall, there are two ways that people tend to react to criticism. Either they learn from the criticism, and grow as a person, or they become defensive and justify their actions, no matter how misguided the defense may be. In an ideal world, the recipient learns and grows from the critique. Unfortunately, the person receiving the reality check tends to justify their position, nothing is learned, and only hard feelings result.

The thing that rebuked people fail to realize is that reality checks are done out of love. I rebuke my children, not out of a need to control, but because I want what's best for them. My wife nagged me about smoking because she doesn't want to see me die a slow, painful death. I talk to my friend about his alcohol consumption because I see how it's undermining his relationship with his wife and kids. I rebuke because I care.

I try to be a good person and love my fellow man, but the fact of the matter is, I reserve my harshest criticism for those closest to me. "We only hurt the ones we love" is one of my most frequently-quoted euphemisms. Generally, I say it to a close friend after a particularly sarcastic comment. I love teasing my friends, and that's kind of my way of letting them know I love them, even if I did hurt their feelings.

That phrase is far more pertinent than most people realize though. When I rebuke a loved one, their feelings may be hurt, but all too often, those on the receiving end of my harsh reality checks fail to understand that I am saying things from a place of love. I chastise my daughter, knowing full well that she may become defensive and, in anger, tell me that she hates me. I counsel my friend, completely cognizant that he may shut me out. I was not always patient when my wife talked about my smoking. But as the title of today's post says, love is work. And love, without rebuke, is not love.