... because this is the rest of the story.
Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my best friend's death by suicide. It's becoming increasingly difficult to continue calling him my best friend... not because his place in my life is diminished, but because other friendships have gorwn in significance since his death, and I don't want to understate the value of these relationships. (You know who you are.) So yeah, it's becoming tougher to continue calling him my best friend, because time moves on... but I'm digressing.
I'm also finding it increasingly difficult to remember what he looked like... and other day-to-day details. In some respects he IS fading into my memory. But then again, there are many aspects of our life together that are indelibly seared into my mind... again though, I'm digressing.
I talked about Greg's death yesterday at church, and I sang Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams. I didn't set out to sing the song. Indeed, I didn't set out to do anything special. Generally speaking, I'm at a point where I'd rather quietly note milestones like his death, birthday and so forth. But that's not how it happened this year.
I'm the leader of my worship team at church, and we (the band) decided to learn Fear is a Liar as a new song. I started listening to it with the goal of figuring out how to honor the original intent, but still make it our song. Part of this process included watching the official video. The video has two references to suicide. I knew right then that I had to do the song yesterday. I coordinated it with my pastor. I told him that I needed to talk a bit about Greg. We bantered about what I'd say and how I'd say it. The pastor and I came to a loose framework agreement about what I'd say. I went off script.
I ended up talking about the Greg-shaped hole in my heart... and how there's a God-shaped hole in our hearts as well... and how God has an us-shaped hole in his heart... and how he rejoices when these holes are filled... and how he mourns when we walk away from Him, leaving an us-shaped hole in His heart. Saying this hurt... I cracked a few times while speaking. I also don't know exactly what I said... I usually speak extemporaneously instead of planning in advance what I'll say.
Then I sang. It was pretty good until the bridge... when I broke down. Fortunately, I prepared for this possibility and had another member of my worship team play guitar and sing with me... when I faltered, he stepped in... and the congregation was singing as well. Hearing them hurt and healed, and I regained my composure. As the bridge built, I found my voice and managed to continue. I channeled my anguish into my voice, and it felt powerful. Someone from the congregation came up and put his hand on my shoulder as I continued to sing. It made it more difficult to continue, yet easier at the same time.
The song ended and I was spent. I left the podium and took my usual seat toward the back of the sanctuary. I hope I reached someone.
During this entire process, I noted a little bit of irony in the whole experience. Greg was a pretty avowed atheist, though I'd like to think I was getting through a bit before the end. Most likely, he'd have been a bit horrified to know that I used this story to talk about God. If he hadn't been cremated, he'd probably have rolled over in his grave.
Monday, October 28, 2019
Friday, September 27, 2019
Applying Marine Corps Leadership Traits to Everyday Life
Though it's been half a lifetime since I left the Marine Corps, I proudly carry the values and practice the discipline of the Corps to this very day. In most respects, age and wisdom has allowed me to grow and reflect, making me a better Marine today than I was on active duty. I'm certainly a better man, and a better leader than I was all of those years ago. But looking back, it was the Marine Corps that instilled in me the the leadership traits that have helped me become the person I am today. In my experience, it's difficult to be a good leader if any one of these traits are missing... even moreso if two are missing. It's virtually impossible if three or more are missing. Let's take a quick look at these traits and briefly discuss their importance:
Justice: Impartial adjudication of conflicting claims; Assignment of merited rewards or punishments
Without justice, subordinates will spend their time and energy currying favor or avoiding blame instead of focusing on the task at hand.
Judgement: The ability to reach intelligent conclusions
Without judgment, subordinates cannot be sure you providing the best course of action.
Dependability: Capable of being trusted
If your subordinates cannot depend on you, they will not take risks for you.
Integrity: Firm adherence to a code of moral values; Incorruptibility
If you do not exhibit integrity, those you lead will lose their own integrity. In combat, in life and in business, a moral compass is critical.
Decisiveness: Having the power or quality of deciding; Unfaltering; Resolute
A decent plan now is better than the perfect plan next week. An indecisive leader is worthless.
Tact: A keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others
Words are as important as weapons. It is foolish to mock and alienate people. You never know when you will run into them again, nor can you know whose assistance you will need in the future.
Initiative: The ability to act independently and without oversight
Initiative helps prevent problems that occur due to inaction.
Endurance: The ability to withstand hardship or adversity
You cannot expect those around you to persevere if you yourself give up at the first sign of difficulty.
Bearing: The manner in which one behaves
As a leader, your subordinates will behave as you do. It's important to keep your cool and press on.
Unselfishness: Not selfish; generous
Everything you do should consider the needs of those in your charge. It is morally wrong to take the lion's share and leave only scraps for those under your care.
Courage: Mental or moral strength to persevere and withstand danger or difficulty
Courage is more than the ability to face physical danger. It's also the ability to step up and say that something is wrong, even when you know it's unpopular. It's the ability to challenge your superior when you know they're incorrect. It's the ability to have a difficult conversation with a trusted advisor or friend.
Knowledge: The range of one's information or understanding; becoming aware of truth through reasoning
Are you the subject matter expert in your job? Do people trust your ability and talent?
Loyalty: Faithfulness; Devotion; Commitment
Loyalty is holding to the principles you hold dear. Do not confuse loyalty with blind allegiance. In fact, it is more loyal to NOT look the other way.
Enthusiasm: Strong Excitement of feeling; Passion
Enthusiasm encourages those around to excel. Conversely, apathy and negativity discourages high performance.
If you wish to succeed as a leader, and in life, you must work diligently to cultivate all of these traits. Accentuate those characteristics which come naturally, and endeavor to improve your weaker attributes. History is littered with those who chose easier paths.
Justice: Impartial adjudication of conflicting claims; Assignment of merited rewards or punishments
Without justice, subordinates will spend their time and energy currying favor or avoiding blame instead of focusing on the task at hand.
Judgement: The ability to reach intelligent conclusions
Without judgment, subordinates cannot be sure you providing the best course of action.
Dependability: Capable of being trusted
If your subordinates cannot depend on you, they will not take risks for you.
Integrity: Firm adherence to a code of moral values; Incorruptibility
If you do not exhibit integrity, those you lead will lose their own integrity. In combat, in life and in business, a moral compass is critical.
Decisiveness: Having the power or quality of deciding; Unfaltering; Resolute
A decent plan now is better than the perfect plan next week. An indecisive leader is worthless.
Tact: A keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others
Words are as important as weapons. It is foolish to mock and alienate people. You never know when you will run into them again, nor can you know whose assistance you will need in the future.
Initiative: The ability to act independently and without oversight
Initiative helps prevent problems that occur due to inaction.
Endurance: The ability to withstand hardship or adversity
You cannot expect those around you to persevere if you yourself give up at the first sign of difficulty.
Bearing: The manner in which one behaves
As a leader, your subordinates will behave as you do. It's important to keep your cool and press on.
Unselfishness: Not selfish; generous
Everything you do should consider the needs of those in your charge. It is morally wrong to take the lion's share and leave only scraps for those under your care.
Courage: Mental or moral strength to persevere and withstand danger or difficulty
Courage is more than the ability to face physical danger. It's also the ability to step up and say that something is wrong, even when you know it's unpopular. It's the ability to challenge your superior when you know they're incorrect. It's the ability to have a difficult conversation with a trusted advisor or friend.
Knowledge: The range of one's information or understanding; becoming aware of truth through reasoning
Are you the subject matter expert in your job? Do people trust your ability and talent?
Loyalty: Faithfulness; Devotion; Commitment
Loyalty is holding to the principles you hold dear. Do not confuse loyalty with blind allegiance. In fact, it is more loyal to NOT look the other way.
Enthusiasm: Strong Excitement of feeling; Passion
Enthusiasm encourages those around to excel. Conversely, apathy and negativity discourages high performance.
If you wish to succeed as a leader, and in life, you must work diligently to cultivate all of these traits. Accentuate those characteristics which come naturally, and endeavor to improve your weaker attributes. History is littered with those who chose easier paths.
Friday, September 13, 2019
The End of the Promise
When my friend died a few years ago, I made a promise to myself, in his honor. I promised that I'd be there for his widow and his girls. I made this commitment with a few ideas in mind, but not knowing exactly how things would play out. Even today, I'm not sure precisely what I expected, but do recall thinking I'd probably tell the kids stories about their dad... maybe teach them how to drive... help the family with little tasks around the house. Regardless, I imagined myself... I don't know... involved.
As is often the case in life, things haven't exactly panned out how I pictured. I started out visiting pretty frequently... every week or two. Time passed and as the girls aged, they weren't interested in my visits. Then his wife started getting busy as well. My visits got less and less frequent. Next thing I knew, I hadn't visited in over six months.
Soon after, I looked back, and realized that we had become Facebook friends, but even that was less frequent. I'd check in to see how things were going, or to report such and such an event in my life, but didn't get responses. I came to the conclusion that I was doing all of the work. I reached out to them, but there really wasn't any reciprocation.
A month or two ago, I understood that it was time for the end of the promise. I ran into them at our downtown Farmer's Market. We caught eyes... there was a brief moment of unexpected surprise... a quick smile, and a hello. During the exchange, my wife needed my attention for the briefest of moments. I turned to answer her, and by the time I turned back, mere seconds later, they were gone. It was obvious they weren't interested in hanging back for a conversation, however brief.
I'd like to be very clear about a few things... I hold no ill will toward the family. Their lives have moved forward, and their new reality doesn't include me. I'm completely okay with that. I was never asked to make this promise... not by them, and not by him. It was a commitment I made to myself during a period of intense grief. I'd also like to clarify that I'm not writing them off. If they need something from me in the future, I plan to be there. What I'm doing is acknowledging their priorities have changed, and that it's time for me to stop trying to insert myself into their lives, while hoping they understand I'm still here if they need me.
As is often the case in life, things haven't exactly panned out how I pictured. I started out visiting pretty frequently... every week or two. Time passed and as the girls aged, they weren't interested in my visits. Then his wife started getting busy as well. My visits got less and less frequent. Next thing I knew, I hadn't visited in over six months.
Soon after, I looked back, and realized that we had become Facebook friends, but even that was less frequent. I'd check in to see how things were going, or to report such and such an event in my life, but didn't get responses. I came to the conclusion that I was doing all of the work. I reached out to them, but there really wasn't any reciprocation.
A month or two ago, I understood that it was time for the end of the promise. I ran into them at our downtown Farmer's Market. We caught eyes... there was a brief moment of unexpected surprise... a quick smile, and a hello. During the exchange, my wife needed my attention for the briefest of moments. I turned to answer her, and by the time I turned back, mere seconds later, they were gone. It was obvious they weren't interested in hanging back for a conversation, however brief.
I'd like to be very clear about a few things... I hold no ill will toward the family. Their lives have moved forward, and their new reality doesn't include me. I'm completely okay with that. I was never asked to make this promise... not by them, and not by him. It was a commitment I made to myself during a period of intense grief. I'd also like to clarify that I'm not writing them off. If they need something from me in the future, I plan to be there. What I'm doing is acknowledging their priorities have changed, and that it's time for me to stop trying to insert myself into their lives, while hoping they understand I'm still here if they need me.
Thursday, February 7, 2019
In Defense of Ralph Northam
I suspect I'm going to get some heat over this post, but I've never been one to shy away from a discussion just because it's uncomfortable. Let me start by saying I understand that wearing blackface is socially unacceptable by today's standards. I will also state I haven't always understood that wearing blackface is wrong. I don't recall ever wearing blackface when I was younger... but I certainly would have. If I had dressed up like a black person though, it definitely wouldn't have done been done with the goal of offending anyone. You see, this is something that the PC crowd is completely missing... intent.
People who are upset by Ralpy Northam's blackface need to step back and consider the motivation behind the behavior. In order to do that you need to bear in mind this picture was taken almost forty years ago. Times were different then, and Northam was most surely a different person. Things that may seem abhorrent today were perfectly acceptable back then. Please stop applying today's values to yesterday's behavior; it's not reasonable. Judging yesterday's behavior with today's morals is kind of like lowering the speed limit, and retroactively ticketing anyone who has ever exceeded the new lower speed limit.
Like I said, things were different forty years ago. It's quite possible that blacks didn't find blackface offensive back then. More likely, blacks didn't like the idea, but Northam didn't know it was offensive. If that's the case (and I personally think this is the most likely scenario,) then you're punishing him for ignorance. Again, that's not reasonable. Another realistic possibility is that he knew it was in poor taste, but didn't realize the extent it bothered -- bothers -- the black community. If that's what happened, let me ask you to look in the mirror. If any among you are without sin in this area, then feel free to cast the first stone. Otherwise, remove the plank from your own eye before complaining about the splinter in another man's eye.
Let me get a bit more personal here. I said earlier that I don't recall ever wearing black face. I do, however, very distinctly recall a close friend doing so. He's a straight white guy, and he dressed like a black pimp one year for Halloween. He took third place in the Halloween contest. Only when he accepted his prize did anyone find out that he's white. Nobody was pissed. In fact, they thought it was an awesome costume and said that he'd have taken first place if they'd have known he was white. This guy didn't set out to offend anyone. He was and still is one of the best men I know. I personally have dressed in drag for Halloween, and for the Navy's Crossing of the Equator Ceremony when I was in the Marine Corps. In neither instance did I wear women's clothing with the intent of mocking women or the LGBTQ community.
It's also unreasonable to condemn Northam outright, because people change. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I'm not the same guy I was when I was 20. When I was a child, I was prejudiced against blacks. I grew up in Southern Kansas, and learned this bigotry from my classmates. When I moved to Iowa, in the late 70's, I made black friends and started learning that skin color isn't important. I was also biased against homosexuals. It took a bit longer to outgrow that one, but again, I eventually learned that sexual preference has little impact on a person's character. I have done what I could to apologize to those I may have wronged as a result of the distorted views of my youth, and I hope that people will judge me based on who I am today, not who I was back then.
On that same thought train... when I was in high school, I didn't have much time for the jocks... the preppies... the cheerleaders... you know the stereotypically pretentious ones. I skipped the first couple of high school reunions, because I assumed they were still the same jackasses they were before we graduated. Eventually, I went; and I discovered that, for the most part, they had changed as well. A few of us exchanged apologies for crappy past behavior. I still don't see eye to eye with some of these folks, but I have learned that they're not assholes just because we don't agree. Overwhelmingly, they are good people just trying to get by. We may not be friends... but we want the same things... for our children to do better than we did. We seek prosperity, health, love and security.
And this is what I'm coming to... okay, Ralph Northam dressed in blackface. Okay, by today's standards that's unacceptable behavior. But remember this... he probably didn't go out with the goal of wronging or oppressing anyone when he put on the blackface. Even if he did though, remember, this was over half of a lifetime ago for him. Before you excoriate him, at least take a look at what he's done since then. Maybe, just maybe, he deserves a break.
People who are upset by Ralpy Northam's blackface need to step back and consider the motivation behind the behavior. In order to do that you need to bear in mind this picture was taken almost forty years ago. Times were different then, and Northam was most surely a different person. Things that may seem abhorrent today were perfectly acceptable back then. Please stop applying today's values to yesterday's behavior; it's not reasonable. Judging yesterday's behavior with today's morals is kind of like lowering the speed limit, and retroactively ticketing anyone who has ever exceeded the new lower speed limit.
Like I said, things were different forty years ago. It's quite possible that blacks didn't find blackface offensive back then. More likely, blacks didn't like the idea, but Northam didn't know it was offensive. If that's the case (and I personally think this is the most likely scenario,) then you're punishing him for ignorance. Again, that's not reasonable. Another realistic possibility is that he knew it was in poor taste, but didn't realize the extent it bothered -- bothers -- the black community. If that's what happened, let me ask you to look in the mirror. If any among you are without sin in this area, then feel free to cast the first stone. Otherwise, remove the plank from your own eye before complaining about the splinter in another man's eye.
Let me get a bit more personal here. I said earlier that I don't recall ever wearing black face. I do, however, very distinctly recall a close friend doing so. He's a straight white guy, and he dressed like a black pimp one year for Halloween. He took third place in the Halloween contest. Only when he accepted his prize did anyone find out that he's white. Nobody was pissed. In fact, they thought it was an awesome costume and said that he'd have taken first place if they'd have known he was white. This guy didn't set out to offend anyone. He was and still is one of the best men I know. I personally have dressed in drag for Halloween, and for the Navy's Crossing of the Equator Ceremony when I was in the Marine Corps. In neither instance did I wear women's clothing with the intent of mocking women or the LGBTQ community.
It's also unreasonable to condemn Northam outright, because people change. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I'm not the same guy I was when I was 20. When I was a child, I was prejudiced against blacks. I grew up in Southern Kansas, and learned this bigotry from my classmates. When I moved to Iowa, in the late 70's, I made black friends and started learning that skin color isn't important. I was also biased against homosexuals. It took a bit longer to outgrow that one, but again, I eventually learned that sexual preference has little impact on a person's character. I have done what I could to apologize to those I may have wronged as a result of the distorted views of my youth, and I hope that people will judge me based on who I am today, not who I was back then.
On that same thought train... when I was in high school, I didn't have much time for the jocks... the preppies... the cheerleaders... you know the stereotypically pretentious ones. I skipped the first couple of high school reunions, because I assumed they were still the same jackasses they were before we graduated. Eventually, I went; and I discovered that, for the most part, they had changed as well. A few of us exchanged apologies for crappy past behavior. I still don't see eye to eye with some of these folks, but I have learned that they're not assholes just because we don't agree. Overwhelmingly, they are good people just trying to get by. We may not be friends... but we want the same things... for our children to do better than we did. We seek prosperity, health, love and security.
And this is what I'm coming to... okay, Ralph Northam dressed in blackface. Okay, by today's standards that's unacceptable behavior. But remember this... he probably didn't go out with the goal of wronging or oppressing anyone when he put on the blackface. Even if he did though, remember, this was over half of a lifetime ago for him. Before you excoriate him, at least take a look at what he's done since then. Maybe, just maybe, he deserves a break.
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