An Open Letter to a Fun Hater

A few weeks ago, my neighbor bought a go kart dune buggy. We live in town and there's not really a place to play with it, so I don't quite understand the purchase, but it's his toy not mine.

Since purchasing his new machine, he's taken it for a few spins around the block. Since it's a go-kart it's not street-legal, but nobody has complained. I told him that he should take it out to the grassy flood plain area behind my house and tool around for a bit -- you know, to give it a little bit more of a workout and find out what it could do.

Yesterday, he asked me if I wanted to take it for a spin, and I tried it out. I have to admit, I had fun. I took the kids for a few spins around the block, and then went out to the aforementioned field. The kids loved it. After a couple of rounds with the kids, I asked the neighbor if he was ready to take it out in the field. He was a little reluctant until I told him that I'd drive if he didn't want to. He jumped in the passenger seat and off we went. After a couple of figure-eights around the field, some old guy came running out to the field and I knew we were busted. I guided the buggy toward the old guy and he yelled "You can just get the hell out of here now." I said "Okay," and we left, immediately putting the cart away.

I honestly felt bad. After all, I didn't want to piss anyone off, I just wanted to have a little harmless fun with the neighbor's new toy. I didn't expect anyone would mind if we tore around in the grass for a few minutes; and if I had known who owned the area I honestly would have asked. All of my feelings of contrition disappeared when the cops showed up though. The cops did a couple of laps around the block, ostensibly looking for the evil go-kart bandits, but fortunately we had hidden the get-away buggy, so they never found us. I've got to say though, when the cops started snooping around my regret turned to irritation. I get that the guy was pissed, and we quit when he asked demanded that we leave, no harm, no foul. But no, that wasn't enough for Mr. Fun Hater. He had to tell us to leave and call the cops. And considering how quickly the cops showed up, he had to have done both simultaneously.

With this in mind, I feel the need to address the guy...


Dear Mr. Fun Hater,

Please accept my sincere apology for disrupting your day and for flattening some of your grass with my neighbor's dune buggy yesterday. I regret any hard feelings that I may have caused through my thoughtless actions. The only thing I have to say in my defense is that I didn't realize that you would object to my actions, and since I didn't know who you were up to that point, I had no way of asking for your permission in advance. If I had known your identity, I would have sought your blessing.

With that said, I'd like to air a couple of grievances of my own. When you asked demanded that we leave, we did so immediately. So why did you call the cops? In my opinion, that was a little cowardly, and a little overkill. It's not like we said "fuck off" and kept on going.

Furthermore, I'd like to address a little bit of carelessness and selfishness on your part. A couple of years back, you had a dead tree on your property. Do you remember that? I'll bet you do. You didn't want to mess up your ostensibly pristine view of your lawn, so you asked the tree removal company to access your property by going through mine. That in itself was no big deal, except...

During this time, I had a minivan, which was broken down. I had parked the van on the street until I was able to repair it. The van was parked at a dead-end and nobody cared, until your tree removal service needed access -- through my property no less -- to your tree. Did anyone ask me? No. I was greeted one morning with a "move it" sticker on the van, placed there by the local police. You could have asked me to move it and explained what you needed, but you didn't. You called the cops.

Once I moved the van, your tree removal service drove over my water-logged lawn to get to your dead tree, killing my grass, compacting the dirt and leaving deep ruts in my lawn -- ruts that are here to this day. This was done without my advance knowledge, and without my blessing. You may consider my actions yesterday thoughtless, but your hands are just as unclean as mine. The grass I flattened yesterday will grow back in a few weeks, and there will be no permanent trace of my presence. The ruts you left in my lawn are a permanent reminder of your thoughtlessness.

I know who you are now, and I understand how you operate. You will probably never get this letter; based on your demeanor yesterday I suspect you're a little too old and cranky to tolerate this new-fangled internet thingy. But rest assured, I will be watching for you so I can personally deliver this message... so I can apologize face-to-face and so I can point out that I'm not the only one who's been selfish and thoughtless when it comes to the neighbors.

Sincerely,
Me