Please God, Use Me

It's been roughly eight months since Greg committed suicide, and for the most part, I've come to grips with it. I still miss him terribly, and I think about him almost daily, but I'm moving forward with my life. Unfortunately, events still happen in my life that take me back to his suicide, and the terrible grief and devastation he left behind. In the last week, I've had two friends lose loved ones to suicide.

When people die under normal circumstances, it's possible to take consolation that the death is part of God's plan. This doesn't happen with suicide, because taking a life is not part of God's plan. Committing suicide is the ultimate in selfishness, and there are no words to reduce the pain. Those who are left behind often feel a sense of anger and guilt that's unique to suicide. People who didn't know the victim (for lack of a better term) don't know what to say to friends and family.

Even worse, the friends and family have a visceral sensitivity to future suicides. As you can imagine, finding out that a friend lost someone to suicide evokes a strong reaction. In my case, I ever-so-briefly returned to the darkness and despair I experienced right after Greg died, and I've more acutely sensed his absence. In both instances, I sincerely wished that I could take the pain for my friends, because I've experienced it, and I would rather take the pain for myself than have them go through this unique type of hell on earth.

Knowing that I can't take on their burden, I am instead choosing to write this plea. This is a plea to anyone considering suicide. Please stop and think. Yes, if you successfully commit suicide, you will no longer feel pain. But your pain won't go away. In fact, you will amplify the pain. You see, when you take your own life, you leave those behind with the crushing burden of coming to grips with your death. They will wonder what they could have done to prevent your death. They will experience an anger over your choice that words cannot adequately express. And believe it or not, you will hurt people you've never even met. Going back to what I said before... my friends lost a loved one; and when I found out, I went back to my own grief.

Like I stated before, suicide is never part of God's plan, but I am now asking -- begging -- that God help me use Greg's death for good. Let me be a source of strength for my friends who are going through what is undoubtedly the darkest time in their lives. Better yet, let my words reach someone who is thinking about suicide. Let them hear and absorb what I'm saying, and help them understand that their pain might end for them, but the actual amount of pain will be amplified, because EVERYONE close to them -- and even people they've never met -- will grieve over the senseless loss. There is help available. Suicide is not the only option, and it's not the only solution. In fact, suicide is not an option at all. Please God, use me.