Nothing Like I Thought

I've been sitting around the house, which is quiet except for the casual pitter patter of paws as my dog moves from one resting place to another, the occasional car driving by, and my own thoughts.  This bores some people, but I appreciate it.  I find myself far more comfortable in solitude than when I was a young man.

As I ruminated on everything and nothing, I had a thought fly into my little brain from absolutely nowhere.  I have no idea what brought it on, but I ran with it, and it's now become today's topic.  My life is nothing like I thought it would be.

When I was a very young boy, I vaguely recall having ambition to become an astronaut, a firefighter or a cop.  This was during the heyday of NASA, and when law enforcement was still a highly respected (and not polarizing) occupation.

As a young teenager, I saw myself as a doctor or a veterinarian.  Anatomy fascinated me, and I kind of liked the idea of being able to save lives.  Human or animal didn't matter much, hence my flexibility in direction.

In my late teens and very early twenties, I was certain that I'd die before hitting 25.  While I was serving active duty in the military, I did not think I was going to die in combat.  I envisioned myself dying in a car accident while driving slightly too fast, while swimming in the ocean, or some other high octane activity.  While my lifestyle was slightly more adventurous than the average person, I was nowhere the daredevil I imagined myself to be.  I pictured myself a solid 8 on the 1 to 10 scale of derring-do, but I in hindsight, I was a six.

My mid-twenties probably brought me as close to an accurate prediction as I would have about my life.  I realized I was ready to be a dad, but not a husband, though I kind of imagined them as a package deal.  I certainly saw myself as a girl dad.  While I fully expected that I would make a significant contribution tthe working world, and saw myself as a high-earning white collar professional, (though not filthy rich,)  I also knew that I wasn't destined for the history books, but that my purpose in life was to bring a little bit of life, a little bit of happiness, and a little bit of humor to those around me.  My goal was to make sure that I wasn't a drag in any relationship that involved me.  I aspired to be a positive contribution.  My baseline was to make sure that I didn't take more from a relationship than I contributed.

When I was married to wife 1.0, I was certain that I would defy the odds and marry only once in my life.  I understood that relationships require work and commitment from both people, and I was fully ready to fulfill my lifetime commitment.  It never occurred to me that she would quit.

I had no idea how hard life could hit a young adult.  As a child, I imagined that adulthood would be  an absolute breeze.  In reality, I felt like an inexperienced amateur prize fighter going against Mike Tyson in his prime.  I spent a huge portion of my mid-twenties to mid-thirties dazed by blows that I never saw coming.  I had no idea how financially tenuous life could be, and I can't count how many sleepless nights I experienced because of a stupid unexpected expense or life event.  Relationships were equally challenging, because my friends and loved ones were going through the same thing, and like idiots, we tended to turn inward instead of leaning on one another.

In my early thirties, I was still struggling financially, but saw light at the end of the tunnel.  I realized that if I played my cards right, I could retire early as a millionaire.  I forgot that playing my cards right meant that I couldn't have any bad hands.  I saw myself retiring early and traveling the world with 1.0.  When we split up, suddenly I couldn't see anything.

Fortunately the fog lifted, and I met wife 2.2.  She has been the navigator when I needed to pilot, and taken the wheel when I needed to rest.  I didn't see her coming, and I don't see her leaving until one of us dies.

I hoped, but didn't foresee that my kids would lean on me as heavily as they do, nor did I expect how natural it would be to help them.

I didn't foresee that I would essentially fall out with my entire birth family.

I didn't foresee that 1.0 would be such a POS mother.

I didn't expect that life challenges would persist at the same and rate and intensity, with the difference being that my ability to weather the storm would increase with age.  Life is not softer, and I am not harder.  It's more accurate to say that I've seen it before, and each time I experienced it, I made some sort of contingency plan to prepare to re-experience a given adversity.

So yeah, life is nothing like I thought.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.