It's Tough Being a Parent

Parenting has got to be the most fulfilling job in the world. When it's good, it's really good, but when it's bad, it's really bad. I guess that's what makes it so rewarding. You take delight in seeing your children grow and evolve, and you know you make mistakes. It's the roller-coaster ride that makes it rewarding. Today was a mistake day.

My kids were fighting, as kids often do. Per my usual routine, I kept tabs on it and allowed them to fight it out on their own. After a quick shower, I discovered my younger daughter laying in my bed sobbing. While I was in the shower, they started hitting and kicking each other. They can yell at each other, call each other names, say they never want to speak to each other again, and I'll let that slide. But I don't allow them to hit and kick each other. Last time they did it, I said I'd punish them next time it happened, and I followed through with my promise this morning.

They both seemed completely unfazed when I told them they'd be grounded, so I upped the stakes and told them it was for a week. After all, it's not really punishment if the punishment doesn't bother them. That got their attention, but it's also where things got bad.

My younger one wisely quieted down. My older one, being a teenager who possesses all of humanity's knowledge and wisdom, decided to challenge my decision. Here are some of the highlights...

Round 1:
"Dad, you said that we can stand up for ourselves at school and with friends and that you'd back us up. Why can't we do that here?"

'Fine, you can't stand up for yourself at school now either."

Round 2:
"Dad, how come you can raise your voice, point, cut me off and yell, but I can't?"

"Because I'm the boss. The boss has privileges that others don't. Get used to it, because that will never change."

Round 3:
"Dad, you can't ground me. I've got a school function."

"You're not going."

"It's for student council." (Ouch, that one hurt me!)

"I don't care, you're still not going. You don't tell me how I can ground you."

"Well you're going to tell the teacher then."

"I don't think so. That's just become part of your punishment. You can now tell your teacher that you won't be able to attend Friday's function, because you got grounded for being a smart-ass."

"Can I say it like that?"

"If you must, but if you get into trouble for saying it that way, that's your problem."

Round 4:
Dad's decided it's time to try to calm things down a bit. My younger daughter was present during this whole argument, but wisely remained silent. The closest she came to getting involved was sighing during round one. I figured I'd hold an olive branch and reduce how long they were grounded (but offset the length of their sentence by making them do extra chores while they were grounded).

"Kids, come here." (The younger one was already in the room.)

"I don't want to," replies the older one.

"I don't care what you want, get in here."

"No."

'"Get in here, NOW!" She then opened the door, and came in, but kept her eyes closed, refusing to look at me. I really don't remember what she said immediately after that, but I responded...

"I had planned on saying that you don't need to be grounded for a week, but your behavior is telling me otherwise. Younger kid, you're grounded just for today. Older kid, you're staying grounded for a week."

"What?! Why!?! See, this is why I told you 'No' when you said to come here. How come I have to come when you call? How come you can yell and I can't?" Mind you, she's yelling at me hysterically during this whole thing. That was it. I went drill instructor on her, getting right in her face, hovering over her, pointing at her, and yelling loud enough that she occasionally had to wipe the spit from her face.

"I am the boss! You, not being the boss, have to listen to me! When I say 'Come here!' you come. You don't ask why! You don't say no! You don't talk back! You don't tell me you don't want to! You don't give me smart-ass answers! I am the boss."

"Why don't you fire me?"

"I wish I could." (Oops, wrong thing to say.)

Round 5:
Yeah, that "I wish I could" was the exact wrong thing to say, and I didn't get it right away. By the way, I should mention that during the previous four rounds, she worked her way up from being grounded for a week to being grounded for two weeks.

"I'm leaving."

"If you leave, you're grounded for three weeks."

"No, I'm not coming back. You want to fire me."

"Get back here!"

"NO!" she exclaimed, walking out the door.

I darted after her, still in my bath robe, hoping that I wouldn't have to chase her down the street dressed only in a bathrobe. She didn't run. I caught her, grabbed her arm and said "Get in the house now. If you give me any lip, I will bend you over my knee and spank you in front of God and the neighbors."

Round 6:
This is where I started getting how much I messed up with my little "I wish I could" comment. She got into the house, grabbed the phone ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and called her mom, sobbing. I respected her privacy, but I heard her say "He doesn't want me. He said he wanted to fire me." She was sobbing uncontrollably, and I felt like crap. That's totally not what I intended.

I intended to relay that she was being a pain in the ass. She heard that I didn't want her anymore. I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut, and I suspect my daughter felt the same way. In fact, based on her sobs, I knew it. It was time to calm things down. I waited until she got off of the phone and came out of the bathroom herself. I walked up to her and gave her a hug.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"I understand. You don't have to. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. You know I love you. I love you as much as I love your sister, and I love you as much as I love Mrs. Evan. When I said that I wanted to fire you, I was trying to say that you're being a pain in the ass. I get that you heard me say I don't want you, and I understand why you heard that, and I'm sorry. That's not what I wanted you to hear."

After she calmed down a bit, I said that we should talk about cutting back on the grounding a bit, because part of her sentence was due to me grounding her out of anger, not out of punishment. We still need to work that out. I'm thinking either two weeks in her room, or one week of grounding with extra chores.

Yep. It's tough being a parent. I still feel like crap, I still don't know exactly how to punish her adequately. I know she feels like crap too. Ugh. I hate days like this!