Interview With a Vampire Paulius

Since I've been having a lull in my blogging lately, I figured I'd do something totally different. It's a small circle of people who read my blog -- especially after having moved. That said though, most of my readers don't really know each other that well.... and some of them I don't know that well. So, in the spirit of helping us get to know one another, I thought I'd do an interview with Paulius. If this works out well, I may do interviews with other people as well. My questions will be in blue, his answers in red. My after-the-fact, smart-ass comments will remain in black.

First off, thanks for agreeing to do the interview. I’ve been following your blog for quite a while… something like four years. And we’ve also done a couple of xbox live sessions, but there’s definitely more I DON’T know about you than there is that I DO know about you.

Most of your readers know that you’re a Brit who moved to the States to be with your wife. It’s also widely known that a lot of people said “You’re nuts!” Was anyone supportive of your decision?
I think most of my family where more concerned about our age difference than the physical distance, Sunny is almost 20 years older than me…which of course caused a little friction with her family as well (I think a lot of them thought I was just marrying her for a greencard). Unfortunately, NONE of my family were supportive of my decision and in my parent’s case, actively tried to stop me from moving here. Most of my friends where supportive though. Luckily, after five years of marriage, my parents have come around.

Is there anyone who still hasn’t come around?
The only person I still don’t speak with is my brother, but that’s more to do with my brother being the worst human being I’ve ever had the misfortune to come into contact with, rather than over my marriage to Sunny. In fact my brother has at one point claimed to be the ‘only person to support me all along’ when he wanted something from me…and calling Sunny an ‘ugly fat inbred bitch’ when I’ve pissed him off…like the time he called when I was in the middle of remodeling the living room, literally with a wall half down, and asked him to call back later. (I remember him blogging about that one.)

In fact, it’s one of the things I laugh about. My brother was living in Australia for a year when I told my parents I was moving to America, and my mother actually called him and tried to convince him to come home so he could talk me out of moving. Why she thought I’d listen to him is anyone’s guess. She might as well have asked Hitler to come talk at a racial tolerance rally.

As you’ve probably gathered by now, I really don’t give a shit about what people think of me, so my extended family’s opinion was never really important to me in the first place. Why would I give a shit if an Aunt who lives on the other side of the planet disapproves?

What’s your favorite thing about the U.S. so far? What do you like least?
It’s hard to come up with a favorite, because there’s a million little things that I’d really miss. For example, I love getting up in the morning and seeing a Deer in front of the house or a hawk soaring overhead, I love the free soft-drink refills in restaurants and I love being able to own a gun…the list is endless. What I like least is America’s healthcare system.

They don’t do free refills in Britian?!? What are they, savages?
We have a completely different type of capitalism in the UK. In America, generally speaking, you give the customer as much as you can so they’ll keep coming back. Britain’s form of capitalism is more about getting as much out of the customer in a single visit. You don’t even get free refills at McDonalds.

However, it’s just like the high gas prices…when you’ve never known any different it’s not a hardship. (Now he knows better though.)

What do you miss most about home? What do you miss least?
This may sound a bit odd, but the thing I miss the most is Jake, my pet dog. (Yeah that is a bit odd, but please continue.) I’d had him since I was 12 and unfortunately he died about a month ago. People have commented on me missing my dog more than my parents or friends…but the difference is I can fire up skype, turn on the webcam and talk to my family and friends whenever I want. You can’t have a phone conversation with a dog…and while Jake is ‘just an animal’, he is a major cast member in a LOT of my best childhood memories. As for what I miss least, that one’s simple…I don’t miss the constant cold and rainy weather.

Tell us about your childhood. If I remember correctly, you said your family was relatively poor, but the key term is “relatively.” How many people in your hometown? How far did you have to drive to the nearest big city? What was that city?
My family wasn’t poor, we just didn’t have a ton of disposable income. I never went without, It was more like that while my friends got a new pair of Nike or Reebok sneakers, I’d get a pair off off-brand, no-name sneakers. The best way I can describe it is that we were comfortable, but not so comfortable we didn’t have to budget. We were a pretty average working-class family.

As for my hometown, I was actually born in Liverpool which has a population of about half a million people, but we moved when I was three to a small town just outside Liverpool because most of my Mum’s family lived there. Haydock was much smaller (population of around 10,000 people). If you look on a map, Haydock is right in the middle between Liverpool and Manchester. It’d take maybe an hour to get there by car.

Do you consider yourself a city boy or a country boy?
Neither, I’m a ‘suburban’ boy. Where I lived had the big cities on one side and rolling green hills on the other. I’m just as comfortable in the country as I am in the city. For example, where I live now I really miss being able to just walk to a corner shop or grab a bus into the city center…bu I love the clean air and seeing real wildlife out of my living room window.

Anyone who’s followed your blog knows that you’ve had absolutely no luck at finding a job in the US. If you could have your dream job, what would it be? How do you keep yourself busy while you’re not working?
My dream job? That’s a hard one because I have so many interests. I’d love to work in TV and Movie special effects and I’d love to try my hand at voice acting. I’d also like to be able to make a living off writing or cartooning…but like most of my ‘dream job’ ideas what I have in enthusiasm I lack in talent.

As for how I keep myself busy, over the past five years I’ve:

Started 2 blogs,
Started 2 webcomics
Run a weekly podcast
Built countless models out of wood
Taken up archery
Gotten into drawing in a big way
Started to learn piano
Written about a million words in short stories
Got back into playing guitar
Wrote an interactive fiction game (then lost it when my hard drive failed)
I play an awful lot of Xbox

…and I could probably go on for five or six pages.

One deeply-ingrained trait of Americans is that the husband brings home the bacon. Even in two-income households, men stereotypically feel less of a man if the Mrs. brings home more money. Does it bother you that you’re the ‘woman’ in your marriage? (Realize, of course, that I’m the woman in my marriage too.) Is this marriage dynamic prevalent in GB?
Sort of, I think in most cultures the idea is that the man is the bread winner, but oddly It doesn’t bother me nearly as much as I thought it would. When my savings first ran out and I realized that my wife was supporting me, I couldn’t stand it…but when you’ve just fixed the faucet in the bathroom, vacuumed the entire house and then cut four acres of grass with a push-mower and then top it off by cooking dinner, you feel a lot more like you’re ‘earning your keep’. Basically, Sunny is supporting me, and although I could probably do a lot more around the house, I do enough to where I don’t feel like a leech.

My understanding is that “Great Britain” includes England, Scotland and Ireland, right? You grew up in England. So do you prefer to be called English or British? Does it matter to you? How about Scots? How about Irish?
The way I explain this to people when I get asked is to think of Britain as the USA and England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales as ‘States’. I’m both British and English in the same way that someone from over here can be both an American and a Texan’. I don’t care which I’m called because they’re both accurate. Some people might get offended if you call them by the wrong nationality, because like everywhere else in the world we have our rivalries…basically imagine calling a New Yorker a Californian.

Basically, Britain has almost exactly the same setup that you have over here, just with different names. You have a Senate and Senators, we have Parliament and MP’s…England is a Monarchy in name only. The Queen has almost zero power and, in all seriousness, the only reason we keep the Queen as a figurehead is because its good for tourism. Basically, we promise to do whatever the Queen says as long as she promises never to tell us to do anything.

What “stupid little difference” is the toughest for you to get used to… something like driving on the opposite side of the road?
I don’t know if this really answers your question, but it’s some of the weird, contradictory and almost puritanical ideas people have towards certain things. For example, I have to an ID every time I want to buy an R-Rated game or movie... but I can buy ammo over the counter with ease.

Just yesterday I went to my local Wal-Mart, bought an M-rated Xbox game…and even though I’m 28, have a full beard and rapidly graying hair…they wouldn’t sell me the game without seeing a state issued ID. I then went to the sporting goods section and bought a box of 100 shotgun shells, which they sold to me without batting an eyelid or asking to see any ID at all.

Basically, an obviously foreign guy can buy a box of shotgun shells with no difficulty, but he can’t buy a game without two forms of ID…them games is dangerous!

Now that you’ve been in the south for a long time, do people in South Carolina still seem to you like they have an accent? Have your friends and family back home commented that you are picking up an American accent?
This is a difficult one to answer. Most South Carolinians just sound ‘normal’ to me now…but certain members of my family swear that I ‘talk like an American’ while others claim my accent hasn’t changed a bit. To my own ear, my accent has definitely softened a little bit and I occasionally catch myself pronouncing something in a particular way. For example, I used to say ‘Accent’ as ‘Ack-sunt’ and now I say ‘Ax-Ent’. Basically, people over here definitely know I’m not American…but I think people back home would be able to tell instantly that I’ve spent a lot of time in another country.

The strangest thing about accents is just discovering people don’t know very many. Most Americans assume I’m Scottish or Irish even though my accent isn’t even close to Scottish or Irish. (I've experienced the same thing. Aussies have told me they can't tell the difference between my accent and a British one, and Irishmen have said they can't differentiate between me and an Aussie.)

What type of kid were you? Nerd? Jock? Student? Musician?
Yes.

I was definitely a nerd when I started school, and having just moved from Liverpool, a place that has a VERY distinct accent I was picked on a lot. The fact I was a fat kid with big thick glasses didn’t help either. Because when I started school I didn’t have very many friends, this just meant I concentrated on schoolwork while in school and became one of the ‘clever’ kids…which didn’t help my popularity either. I was bullied mercilessly.

However, I was also 6”1 by the time I was 12 and the ability to knock someone out with a single punch (and demonstrating that ability after getting pushed just a little too far) put an end to that and once I got to highschool, my Physical Education teacher talked me into trying out for the Rugby team where I wasn’t a star player but did fairly well and around the same time I started playing guitar.

So, yes…I was a Nerd, Jock, Student, Musician…oh, and a massive geek on top of that.

Have you noticed that your twitter picture looks a little like RayRay’s? Are you related? (That’s a joke, but I still want you to answer it.)
I’ve not seen RayRay’s twitter pick, but as…shall I say…’larger’… gentlemen with glasses and a penchant for shaving our heads…I guess we do look a little similar. They say everyone’s related if you go back eight generations so, who knows?
(RayRay isn't large, he's kind of stout. He's gonna be pissed.)

As a Brit, what annoys you most about Americans in general? What to you like most about us?
If I had to pick one thing, it’s the assumption that America is the best country on the planet…which isn’t so bad until you realize that the average American seems to think the rest of the world thinks that too. It comes across as complete and total arrogance. The thing I like best is that you tend to be a lot friendlier to strangers. (You mean we aren't!?!)

After my first visit to America, I went home and the first time I went grocery shopping, I struck up a conversation with the check-out girl. She looked at me like I’d grown an extra head and I could see her trying to work out whether she knew me, whether I was hitting on her or if I was just a nutter. In SC you’re more likely to get a ‘look’ if you don’t share some small talk or banter with the person on the other side of the counter. I honestly thought it was my accent getting attention until I noticed people did the same to Sunny.

How much did you travel before moving to America? How much of America have you seen?
I’ve been everywhere in Britain except Ireland and I’ve been all over Europe, but I’ve mostly visited France and Spain which where regular vacation destinations when I was a kid. It was actually quite funny. The first time I visited the US, I got talking about travelling with some of Sunny’s family, and they thought I was showing off with all the ‘exotic’ places I’ve been to, like Paris and Barcelona. I had to point out that while Paris might be a ‘vacation of a lifetime’ to someone in America, back in England, Paris is about seventy dollars and two hours on a train away.

As for America, I’ve visited SC (obviously) North Carolina, Georgia and Tennessee. I absolutely love the state parks, but it honestly surpised me how similar most of America is. Obviously I can only talk about the four states I’ve visited, but it feels like once you’ve seen one main street you’ve seen them all….but then again, that comes from America being a relatively ‘young’ country. (I's disagree with the assertion that all of America looks the same... I'd say that every region has a lot of similarities.)

One of my favorite things about you is that you tell it like it is. I can’t count the times I’ve thought “HELL YEAH!” when reading your blog entries. Who do you credit for your lack of tact and political correctness?
Ok, this may be a bit of a long story:

When I was a kid I was painfully shy. I was terrified of speaking up for myself and was a poster-child for peer-pressure. I liked the things my friends liked, hated the same things my friends hated and would bend over backwards to not offend anyone and just craved acceptance.

Then, at 16, I ended up with a teacher who thought he was teaching five year olds in the 1800’s. I mean he was really disrespectful and talked to the whole class like they were shit on his shoe. Well, one day one of the girls (Kelly) in the class hadn’t done an assignment because her sister had got rushed to hospital. Well, this asshole teacher decided he would stand her up in the middle of the class and go on for about twenty minutes about how she was wasting his and everyone’s time blah. Blah, blah…and because she was just as shy as me, she didn’t speak up for herself.

Then she started crying and the teacher’s face lit up like it was Christmas. He was on her like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat.

Before I knew what I was doing I’d stood up and told him I wanted to talk to him outside. He sneered and told me to sit down.

Then, it was like I was watching myself from the outside. I walked up to him, got in his face and told him, calmly, that he was going to apologise to Kelly and then he was going to start treating the class like human beings or I’d be going directly to the Principal’s office to discuss his poor attitude… and that I was sure that, if asked, the rest of the class would have a few choice words about his teaching style. Or, if he really did think he was a Billy Badass, I was more than willing to escort him outside to the parking lot where he could prove it.

He damn near shit his pants. He was a classic ‘Little Hitler’ who got off on upsetting people…but was all talk and no trousers.

(I may have to tell you about a similar event that I experienced growing up.)

Now for the clichéd Hallmark Movie moment: It was at that point in my life that I realized I honestly didn’t give a shit about what people thought about me. I stopped agreeing with people just to fit in and realized that just because someone was in a position of authority, that didn’t necessarily mean they knew better than me or were worthy of my respect. The fact that I also became a legend for the next few weeks as the guy who told Mr. McDonnell to go fuck himself didn’t hurt either.

I can still be tactful when the moment calls for it, but I’m not afraid of calling a spade a spade, even if it does hurt someone’s fragile sensibilities.

Who is your favorite musician and why?
Jonathan Coulton. It’s geek-rock…nuff said.

Politically speaking, what’s better about the British system of government, and what’s better about the American system… yeah, yeah, I know they’re similar.
If I’m completely honest, there’s not much in it. Who was it who said “Democracy is the worst form of government, except that all other methods have been tried”. I suppose if I’m pushed, I like how it’s the party that’s voted into power rather than its leader in England. If a particular leader is doing a bad job, he can step down or be replaced and if a leader is doing a particularly good job, he can serve as Prime Minister for as long as his party is in power.

What’s your favorite American food (diabetes notwithstanding)? British dish?
My favorite British dish is a Curry (It’s a common misconception that curry is Indian…it’s just an English dish made with Indian ingredients…in the same way Chow Mein is entirely American). As for American food, I like good, old fashioned soul food…fried chicken, black-eye peas, collard greens and mashed potatoes.

If you could give Sunny any one thing she currently doesn’t have, what would it be?
A twin sister who’s totally into me who Sunny doesn’t mind sharing with.

Nah, I’d like to give her a proper big house that’s bought and paid for.

Where did you come up with your online name of Paulius?
In all honesty, I don’t remember. All I know is I’ve gone by Paulius for so long that most people, even in real life, know me as Paulius.

What question did you expect me to ask you that I haven’t asked yet, and what’s the answer to that question?
I honestly didn’t know what to expect…but hopefully I’ve given you enough info ... This was fun.

If anyone in our studio audience has questions for Paulius, please feel free to ask in the comments section of today's entry. He may or may not answer them, but there's no harm in asking.