Regular readers know that I am pretty open and plain-spoken. I am willing to write freely and honestly about a lot of things. That said though, I have a couple of guidelines that I try to follow... I try to avoid writing stuff that I know will be absolutely hurtful, and if I am going to cover something uncomfortable, I try to wait until the actual event has passed to write about it. But this just won't wait anymore...
My older daughter, the one who's over 18 and graduating high school in a couple of short weeks, has been dating a
Bakin has been dating Derek for somewhere between six months and a year. My first impression of him reminded me of Eddie Haskell. He knew the right things to say to the adults, but he was kind of mischievous, in a harmless sort of way. I had a bit of Eddie in me as a kid, so it was easy to recognize and difficult to condemn.
After a few months, he got into a major tiff with his mom, who booted him out of his house. A friend took him in, and within a week he and the friend got into a fist fight, and the friend's parents booted him out of the house. A second friend took him in, and within a week he and the second friend got into a fist fight, and the friend's parents booted him out of the house. He was forced to sleep in his vehicle for a couple of nights, and then started sleeping in cheap motels.
A couple of times he butt-dialed me from his cell phone. One time, he was talking about how high he was... the other time he was talking about how he was drunk and stuck. I don't have a problem with consuming mind-altering substances per se, but both butt dials kind of showed a general lack of judgment on his part.
In addition to this, he's had difficulty maintaining steady employment. Are you seeing a pattern emerging here?? Difficulty maintaining friendships, difficulty maintaining a stable home environment, and difficulty maintaining a job.
Now, with that said, the guy is kind of charming. In fact, I could see my 20-year-old self hanging out with him and having a good old time. But I am no longer my 20-year-old self, and the people I hung around with at 20 weren't good enough to be dating my daughter (with a couple of exceptions). So it's not that I started hating the guy, it's just that I decided that my kid deserves better.
But there's another complication... About a month ago, I was pulled over by the cops. The OFFICIAL reason I was stopped was because my license plate lights were out. The REAL reason I was stopped was because the cops were looking for Derek.
To shorten a VERY long story, I let them come to my house and talk to Bakin about the investigation they were conducting on Derek... he ended up showing up at my house during this questioning. They didn't have enough evidence to arrest him. But this DEFINITELY made my opinion of the boy go south.
Another month went by, and it seemed that the investigation was going nowhere. But then again, maybe not. The cops showed up at my house AGAIN last night and arrested Derek, who was in my driveway, dropping Bakin off. (Ever since the first time he's pretty much not been around the house, other than to pick my kid up, or drop her off.) And when the cops were arresting him, Bakin was ragging on the cops.
Eventually, I had enough and sent her inside, except that she didn't listen. I had to physically restrain her and drag her into the house. She was STILL going off on the cops, and me as well. The cops finally threatened to arrest her for disturbing the peace and domestic disturbance, at which point she finally shut up.
I'm really at the end of my wits over this. I know that I can't make her break up with him. In fact, she's been talking about getting an apartment with him after graduation -- this is despite the fact that I actually broke down a couple of months ago and told her that she deserves better. But even more than I know I can't will them to separate, there is no doubt in my mind that he's done SOMETHING to warrant the cops' attention... that my little girl deserves better... that the longer she stays with him, the worst things will end...
3 comments:
Oh Dude. You have EVERY right to be upset. And I almost gar-un-tee that this is going to end badly. I hope to Goodness it doesn't, but I have my doubts. How bad does it have to get before a MOM will kick her kid out? Dads are more level headed and can see things and put their foot down, but moms tend to see the BEST in their kids and rarely does it get so bad that they kick their children out of the house. This I know from personal experience.I haven't given up hope that my child will find their way- I just cant watch the slippery slope he is/was going down anymore. Maybe with out my mothering he will grow up and be the responsible adult I raised him to be. I still have faith he will.(Sorry)
That being said...I was strong willed and stubborn and did the exact same thing Bakin is doing at her age. And BECAUSE my parents were telling me over and over that he wasn't good enough for me and tried MANY times to talk with me and get me to end the relationship- I decided that my first step in adulthood would be to prove them wrong. Had they not been so adamant and persistent in trying to make things "better" for me I would have seen that I deserved better and cut the string a LONG time before I finally did. And AFTER I married the idiot(being the idiot "I" was) every time I left him(7 times in 7 & 1/2 years) they made it so miserable at home telling me 'I told you so' and treating me like I was a 10 year old, I went back to him just to prove that I wasn't wrong and he COULD be a good person. Please don't make that mistake, Evan. I know you love her and want the best for her- but you KNOW you raised her right. Sit her down, stay calm and explain how you feel again, but tell her that you trust her to make the right decision for HER. No matter how upset y'all get- don't let it turn into a shouting match or argument between you and her. Ask her if Derek were dating one of her sisters or her best friend- would SHE not have reservations about him. That's what MY best friend did to finally make me see the light about my ex.
As you said, you can't MAKE her break up with him, trying will quite probably have the exact opposite effect...and much as I hate to say it-in the end we have to make our own mistakes. All you can really do after telling her how you feel, is sit back, let her make her decision, wait for an outcome and be there if she needs you.
Damn its the most difficult thing we ever do, isn't it?
For the most part, I've stayed out of this issue, and it's been VERY difficult. In fact, the ONLY time I've specifically told Bakin that Derek isn't good enough for her is when she asked me the right question at the right time. In fact, I believe I mentioned in the original post that she plans to move in with him after graduation, and I offered to help get her set up by giving her some dishes and so forth.
As for him getting kicked out of his house... well, it's actually his MOM that kicked him out. I won't go into details (too long of a story) but that bitch is crazy. She called my daughter up one night and started some psycho rant session... I ended up taking the phone from Bakin and screaming the bitch down myself.
My advice is to just make your feelings clear... then get out of the way and be ready to pick up the pieces.
I really don't think there's anything you can do. If you forbid her from seeing him, all that's going to do is make her dig her heels in and drive a wedge between the two of you.
However, she's only young...I'd just sit back and let it burn itself out.
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