Trump Fires Pam Bondi

It was announced yesterday that Donald Trump has fired Attorney General Pam Bondi.

In related news, confidential sources have reported that when Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth heard about this, he did his best Veruca Salt impression, screaming "Daddy, I want to fire somebody too!"

In fairness to President Trump, he tried his best to say no, but quickly caved when Hegseth broke into a rendition of I Want it Now, complete with a flash mob band that somehow magically appeared out of thin air.  The report goes on to quote Trump as saying "When Little Petey breaks into song like that, I'm just powerless.  Of course I had to let him fire someone," which led to the immediate dismissal of Army Chief of Staff, General Randy George.

In Other News...

According to this story, the parent company of Truth Social is merging with a nuclear fusion company.  I'm not going to attempt to claim that I understand this specific merger.

In other news, President Donald Trump has announced that he's created a new type of fusion.

Trump Administration to Investigate Anti-Competitive Behavior

 According to this article, POTUS has signed an executive order creating a task force that will look into "potential risks from price fixing and anti-competitive behavior."

 An unnamed source reported that "we don't plan to change any of this price fixing or monopolistic behavior.  We are only studying it so we know the risks when we fix prices, and so that we can continue to reward hard-working CEOs with maximum profit and minimum accountability."

In completely unrelated news, the CEOs of  Tyson Foods, Cargill, Hormel and several other food companies are rumored to be preparing documents seeking pardons.  An anonymous source has quoted multiple CEOs as saying "it's early in the negotiations, but we could see the government or Trump personally being awarded a few golden shares of our company."  One mentioned free chicken nuggets for life.  "It's a small price to pay," the CEO was reported to say.  After all, he's in is late 70's and he lives on junk food.  How much longer can he have?"

 

All in on AI

 I've got to admit that I was almost ready to throw in the towel on Artificial Intelligence.  With all of the false information and hallucinations, I was prepared to give up.  I'd like to clarify that I had zero intention of selling my stocks though... the fact that I was going to stop using it didn't mean I should stop investing in stocks that keep appreciating.  But I'm digressing... sorry... squirrel!!  Back to the matter at hand...

Anyway, as I said a second ago, I was just about to give up on AI entirely, because AI is an unreliable source of truth.  Imagine my pleasant surprise when I found out that Grok is perfect.  I assume this is because its creator, Elon Musk, is also perfect.  Take a look at this article and see yourself.  Yep, I'm now All in on AI!

LGBTQ Movement Seeks to Add Another Letter

Sarah Ellis, the CEO of GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), has announced a campaign to add another letter from the alphabet to the LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer) movement's collection.  Ellis was quoted as saying "Over the years, we in the LGBTQ movement have made tremendous strides in gaining acceptance in society.  We are firmly convinced that a large portion of this success is our own policy of inclusiveness regarding letters of the alphabet."

Ellis went on to note that the movement stayed in relative obscurity until they added 'Q' to the mix.  "With this in mind," she said "X is an early favorite to add to the collection.  There seems to be a consensus that the letter X is representative of the LGBTQ community as a whole."

"Though it's 1/26th of the alphabet, it's almost never used, and it's among the last letters," one aide said during the press release. "We want to raise the profile of X and promote inclusiveness," the employee continued, "but there are a couple of dark horse entries, such as A and K because we haven't yet included a vowel, and we haven't added an average letter.  Eventually, we hope to include all 26 letters, and we may even move on to the Greek alphabet."

A final decision on which letter to add is expected later this year.

For Immediate Release

A potential constituent asked about my campaign stance on burritos.  For the record, I am pro burrito.  In line with this, I should also clarify my stance on sauerkraut.  I am not a personal supporter of sauerkraut, but I do support an individual's right to be pro-sauerkraut.  I believe that the government has no place in a person's kitchen.  I know that people will say I'm opening up a slippery slope... that sauerkraut is a gateway food... that it's a short road to cake addiction.  But I stand by my convictions.  The government has no place in a person's kitchen.  At some point, the government needs to understand that people are smart enough to make their own decisions... that if we tightly regulate the kitchen, then it's only a matter of time before they assign an au pair to each of us, and turn the land of the free into a nanny state.

Bank and (Mis)Trust

I was listening to the radio a bit ago and heard a commercial for a bank "...blah blah blah Bank and Trust blah blah blah..."

I thought How is it that the phrase Bank and Trust still exists in the English language?  Didn't "Banks" and "Trust" part ways several decades ago??

Our Next President?

No, just me in my Halloween Costume

Interview With a Tree Sitter

This morning I read a news article about tree sitters in Berkeley; as I read, I kept wondering "What the fuck are these people thinking? Millions of people are starving, we're in a war, and these idiots are worried about a fucking tree?" Being the fair-minded guy I am, I figured the best way to find out was to actually talk to a tree hugger sitter and get their point of view first hand.

After diligently looking around for several milliseconds, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to find a genuine tree sitter, so the only remaining option was to imitate George W. Bush and completely fabricate the facts. So without further ado, here's my (mock) interview with a tree sitter.

Me: Hi. Thanks for taking the time to answer a few questions.

Tree Hugger: I'm happy to do my part in spreading the message about tree conservation.

Me: How did you become a tree sitter?

Tree Hugger: Well, when I was a little girl, I always wanted a tree house, but my dad was constantly away on business trips. Eventually, I realized that it was the corporate machine's fault that I didn't get a tree house. When I heard about tree sitting, I quickly saw that this was my chance to live in a tree house like I've always wanted, and stick it to the man at the same time.

Me: Are you a student?

Tree Hugger: Yes.

Me: How does tree sitting impact your grades? After all, you're not supposed to come down from the tree, are you?

Tree Hugger: I'm failing all but one of my classes. I'm getting an 'A' in my botany class, but I'm not sure if that's because of my commitment to saving the trees, or because I slept with my professor, Miss ... oops, I wasn't supposed to say that.

Me: Isn't intimacy a little difficult in a tree house?

Tree Hugger: Yes, I have to concede that it is.

Me: Would you care to elaborate?

Tree Hugger: Well, after being in this tree for months straight, you might imagine that I don't feel quite as fresh as I used to. Fortunately, my partner doesn't care whether or not I shave my legs. She hasn't been around very much lately, but that may be because she has mid-terms to grade. She's always thinking about me though. She said she'd understand if I had relations with the tree during her absence.

Me: You had sex with a tree?!?

Tree Hugger: Oh yes, it's beautiful and natural, not like that weirdo who had sex with a bike.

Me: I noticed you made your tree house in the largest tree in the area. Was there a specific reason for this? Is this part of your political statement?

Tree Hugger: Not really. I figured that if I'm going to live in a tree that I wanted the biggest tree house in the neighborhood.

Me: Kind of like 'keeping up with the Joneses?'

Tree Hugger: Yeah, something like that. I've got the biggest tree house in the city.

Me: Does this mean that tree sitters living in smaller trees are less committed to the cause? What about the trees that are too small for a tree sitter?

Tree Hugger: Some pro-life tree sitters believe that a tree's life begins when the nut falls to the ground. I'm more pro-choice. It's not really a tree until it's big enough to host a sitter.

Me: A lot of people think your commitment to the trees, while honorable, is a little misguided. After all, millions of people throughout the world are suffering. Shouldn't we worry about people first?

Tree Hugger: Trees can't speak for themselves. Besides, you can't build a cool tree house like this on a person's shoulders.

Me: Since the tree can't speak for itself, how do you know that it wants you to live in its branches? How do you know that it's consenting to your 'sweet love?'

Tree Hugger: I never thought about it like that. I'm a tree rapist! Oh, God, the guilt! I've got to get out of here! I've got to atone for my crime against arbor-kind! Will you help me climb down? I'm kind of scared of heights.

Me: Sure.