Racist or Not a Racist

Today’s post is an offshoot of Paulius' post, in which he stated there are idiots out there who seem to think that it’s racist to bait internet scammers, simply because the majority of scammers are Nigerian. Today’s entry will be a parody of a game show, where the host of the show will play out a hypothetical scenario and ask contestants to accurately guess whether main character is a racist or not a racist. If things work out correctly, you will get a laugh or two out of the story, and maybe one or two of those idiots will learn what constitutes racism and what doesn’t.

Moderator: Welcome to today’s episode of “Racist or Not a Racist,” the game show where contestants are given the chance to earn wads of cash and valuable prizes by correctly guessing if a given situation is racially motivated. I’m your host. Let’s meet today’s contestants. Contestant number one is Savannah Jackson, an unacknowledged illegitimate daughter of civil rights activist Jesse Jackson; Contestant number two is Alexander Duke, a distant cousin of Ku Klux Klansman David Duke, and contestant number three is Marcus Austin, a Methodist minister from Illinois. Welcome contestants, I assume you all know the rules. I will play out a hypothetical scenario, and the first person to buzz in will be given the opportunity to guess the correct answer. If you guess correctly, you earn $100. If you’re wrong, you lose $100. The first person to correctly guess three answers will win that $300 and earn the opportunity to play our grand prize round. Today’s grand prize is a used 1991 Ford Escort wagon, valued at over $250. The other two will have to get the word “LOSER” tattooed on their foreheads. Okay, let’s play “Racist or Not a Racist.”

Question one. A group of boys decide to go out to the highway, so they can throw rocks at the cars of black people. Racist or Not a Racist? Ms. Jackson, you buzzed in first, what is your guess?

Savannah Jackson: Racist.

Moderator: You are correct. Ms. Jackson now has $100. Question number two. A police officer pulls a car over for speeding, and the driver happens to be Muslim. Racist or Not a Racist? Mr. Duke, you buzzed in first, what’s your guess?

Alexander Duke: Not a racist.

Moderator: You are correct. Mr. Duke is now tied with Ms. Jackson, at $100 each, leaving Mr. Austin the only contestant yet to score. Now, following up on the last scenario. The officer steps up to the car, and when the driver rolls down the window, the officer sees that the driver is Muslim and says “Whoa. You were driving pretty fast. Are you late for an al-Qaida meeting?” Racist, or Not a Racist? Mr. Duke, you buzzed in first again, what’s your guess?

Alexander Duke: Not a racist, sir.

Moderator: Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Duke, the correct answer is Racist. Racist is the correct answer, taking away $100 from Mr. Duke. Next question. A computer nerd in South Carolina is tired of Internet scammers, so he decides to beat them at their own game. The vast majority of these scammers are Nigerian. Racist or Not a Racist? Ms. Jackson, you buzzed in first, what’s your guess?

Savannah Jackson: I say Racist.

Moderator: Oh, I’m sorry, Ms. Jackson, the correct answer is Not a Racist. Our panel of judges says that in order for an activity to qualify as racist, the scenario must require discrimination BASED ON RACE. In other words, RACE must be THE determining factor. In this case, the ACTIVITY was the deciding factor. Next question. A group of homophobes vandalize the vehicle of a homosexual in the neighborhood. Racist or Not a Racist? Mr. Austin, you buzzed in first, what’s your guess?

Marcus Austin: Well, this one’s kind of tricky, but I’m going to say Not a Racist, because they’re perpetrating these crimes based on his sexual orientation, not his race.

Moderator: Excellent guess, Mr. Austin. You are now in the lead with $100. As a disclaimer, “Racist or Not a Racist” does not condone discrimination against anyone based on race, sex, national origin, sexual orientation, blah blah blah…Next question. A manager promotes a woman in his company based on his fear that failure to promote her will get him stereotyped as a manager who doesn’t promote women. Racist or Not a Racist? Mr. Austin, you were first again, what’s your guess?

Marcus Austin: This is another tough one, but I’m going to say Not a Racist, because this person was promoted because of her gender, not her skin color.

Moderator: Correct. The manager in this scenario practiced SEXISM, because he promoted this subordinate based on her gender, not her skills. Sexism, however, is not racism. Mr. Austin, one more correct answer, and you will go on to our grand prize round. Next question. A man is awakened to the sound of an intruder in his home. The man grabs a gun and kills the intruder, who is of Hispanic descent. Racist or Not a Racist? Mr. Austin, you buzzed in first yet again.

Marcus Austin: Before I answer this one, I’d like to get a clarification. Did the homeowner kill the intruder because the intruder was Hispanic?

Moderator: Mr. Austin, this request for a clarification is highly unusual. Let me ask our panel of judges if we can provide this clarification. (Small pause while the host consults with the judges.) Mr. Austin, our panel has decided to clarify that the homeowner killed the intruder in order to protect his home. Racist or Not a Racist?

Marcus Austin: Not a Racist.

Moderator: Correct, Mr. Austin. The homeowner decided to blow away the idiot because he was protecting his home, not because of the race of the perpetrator. You are now qualified for the grand prize round. To our other contestants, the tattoo artist is in the back, waiting to put LOSER on your foreheads. Oh, we’re out of time. Mr. Austin, can you return tomorrow for the Grand Prize round?

Marcus Austin: I wouldn’t miss it.

Moderator: Excellent. Be sure to tune in to tomorrow’s episode of “Racist or Not a Racist,” where our new champion Mr. Austin will defend his title against two new challengers. A big thanks to today’s sponsors, the NAACP, the Anti-Defamation league, and common-sense viewers like you.