The Past Meets the Present

Everyone has one... one of those friends who you haven't seen in years. You remember the friend fondly and think of him often. You wish you could get together more frequently, and kick yourself for not contacting him more. But you never seem to get around to visiting, and before you know it, years or even decades have zipped by and you still haven't seen him.

Well, I finally got the opportunity to see several friends from my past last weekend. Adam found the woman of his dreams and they got married. I was asked to be in the wedding. I hadn't seen Adam, Gary, Jeannie and Ray in over a decade.

For the most part, it was as if we hadn't been apart for more than a week. Of course there were a couple of tell-tale signs reminding us how long it had been since we had last seen each other. I used to babysit Ray, and now he's a grown man. Last time I saw him, he was the same age and size as my older daughter is now, and he's gone and super-sized himself. Last time Adam saw my not-so-little-anymore girl (his Goddaughter), she was barely walking. Now she's almost a teenager.

It's amazing how time flies.

A Well-Deserved Vacation

My annual Memorial Day vacation is one of my favorite times of the year... a chance to get away from everything, hang out with some of my lifelong friends, tell stories, drink too many beers, eat too much food... you know, guy stuff.

Over the last few years though, we've been getting a little soft, and have accumulated a few creature comforts to make our rugged weekend of camping a little less uncomfortable. If you click here, you can see for yourself how soft we've gotten.

Our Litigious Society

It seems that everybody’s suing someone these days. Too fat from eating too many Happy Meals? Sue McDonald’s. Can’t quit smoking? Sue the tobacco companies. Think you paid too much for that software? Sue Microsoft. Didn’t like that politically incorrect joke you heard at the office? Sue your boss. It seems that nobody wants to take any personal responsibility for their own actions anymore, and everyone wants their cut of all of that “free money.” Unfortunately, people don't seem to realize the social repercussions of our litigious society.

Just today I experienced an example of how the mere threat of litigation can negatively impact society. My daughter had a school field trip scheduled for today. She had been looking forward to this field trip for weeks, and I volunteered to be a chaperone for the excursion. But the weather forecast called for the possibility of a thunderstorm, so the school called the trip off. Was it because the school administrators were looking out for the best interests of the children? Certainly not. They were so afraid of the possibility of litigation that they decided to cancel the trip entirely, as opposed to adapting to the change in circumstances. What did this teach the kids? It taught the kids that in the face of adversity, you should pack your bags and go home. The kids learned that it’s better to quit than to adapt, overcome and improvise.

Any trial lawyer who reads this will disagree with me vehemently. They’ll say “Those who take unnecessary risks should be punished.” “Those big corporations don’t care about you, all they care about is money.” “We’ve got to stick it to the man, and teach them that we won’t take their greed anymore.” Of course as they say this, they’re lining their wallets with cash, and giving the “injured parties” the scraps that are left over after the lawyers take their cut. They say this because they’ve got a vested interest in maintaining the status quo.

The single biggest reason that our society is so lawsuit happy is because the laws of our society are created by politicians who overwhelmingly started out as attorneys. They start out as lawyers, become politicians, and create more complex, convoluted and unnecessary laws, strictly designed to perpetuate their interests and agendas. They couldn’t care less about the needs of society as a whole; they merely care about their personal well-being.

We’re turning into a society of wimps, and we’re losing our willingness to take risks. As we continue down this path of litigiousness, other countries are taking risks, innovating, and becoming more productive. To an increasing extent, we’re losing our competitive edge in the world. Why? Because everyone is so afraid of getting sued that they’re unwilling to act on new and innovative ideas.

What ever happened to the pioneering spirit on which Americans used to pride themselves? It’s lying on its death bed, tied up in the court system. Could you imagine what would have happened if our society was this litigious 150 years ago? We never would have settled the west, because the pioneers would have been too afraid of being sued if Indians attacked the wagon trains. We never would have had the industrial revolution, because the factory owners would have been too afraid of getting sued for environmental damage. Countless medical cures would have never been created because they’d be afraid of being sued by people who weren’t happy with the side effects of constipation and dry mouth. Electricity wouldn’t be in every American home, because of the fear that the homeowner would be electrocuted.

We’ve got to change our mentality. We’ve got to get our edge back. We’ve got to relearn how to take risks. If we don’t our children will suffer. They’ll continue to live in this culture of fear and safety, while the rest of the world continues to innovate. Our jobs will continue to go overseas, because corporations will locate the jobs to places where they can’t get sued over stupid shit.

In order to get our edge back, we’ve got to do two things. We as a society need to raise the threshold for what constitutes a frivolous lawsuit, and we as individuals need to stop taking part in lawsuits about stupid shit. We need to break this cycle from the top and from the bottom. If we don’t, then things will continue to deteriorate for us as a society. We’ll continue to pay more for goods and services, because the cost of litigation will continue being built into the cost of these goods and services, and our kids will continue being unable to go on field trips just because of the threat of a little rain.

Looking Forward to Vacation

As a kid, I used to camp and canoe quite a bit. Sometimes it was with my family, sometimes with my Boy Scout Troop. But time went by, life got in the way, and eventually I found myself no longer doing this type of activity, which was a shame because I really enjoyed it. One day back in 1994 or so, some of my friends and I started lamenting how much we all missed camping, hiking, canoeing, cooking over an open fire, and so forth. One of us realized that we couldn’t do anything about the years that we missed, but that we could start doing it again. Next thing we knew, we were planning a canoe trip.

We decided to do a three-day run on what's considered the most scenic river in the state. It had been a long time since any of us had done this sort of trip, so we were under prepared in some areas (I neglected to bring a raincoat), but we improvised (I cut holes in an extra trash bag that I had brought along and used that as my raincoat), and had a blast. We had so much fun in fact, that we determined that we’d do it again the next year. Not long after, it turned into an annual tradition.

Over the years, our trips have changed considerably. Some years we’ve had six to eight people on the trip, other years it’s been the “core four” of us. The trips got progressively longer – we’re up to weeklong trips now. We moved from open canoes to whitewater kayaks, and we’ll probably go back to open canoes on flat water before long, because one guy says that he's "too fat to kayak," and another one’s got problems with his wrists that prevent him from whitewater kayaking. We started doing our trips over Memorial Day weekend instead of Labor Day weekend. We’ve stopped being completely self-contained, which requires us to set up and tear down camp every day, instead choosing to “homestead” in a state campground and taking day trips. We’ve kept going a little farther from home each time. We’ve hit around fifteen different rivers in three different states. Our tents have gotten progressively bigger, in order to accommodate an ever-increasing inventory of camping gear, designed to make our lives a little easier. We’ve gone from sleeping in tiny sleeping bags in pup tents, to sleeping in big fluffy sleeping bags, on top of cots, in huge three-room Taj-ma-tents.

One thing however, is always the same. We have a grand old time. There’s too much beer, too much food, plenty of laughter, playing practical jokes on one another, retelling old stories from past trips, creating new stories for future trips, reminiscing about things we miss from our childhood, sharing hopes and dreams for the future, and always wishing we had “just another day or two” when the trip inevitably comes to an end (yet secretly looking forward to a hot shower, a soft bed, and a massage from the Mrs.).

And these trips always seem to come when they’re most needed. Even in the years when it rains every day, these vacations are a welcome relief from the day-to-day grind of everyday life, providing necessary breaks from work, the hustle and bustle of the city, and the endless list of domestic chores. It gives us a little time away, a chance to appreciate what nature can still offer us, as well as an opportunity to take stock of our lives as a whole – a chance to appreciate what we’ve got in life.

Life is Short

It’s been said thousands of times, but I’m gonna say it again. Life is short. Not only is life short, but time seems to accelerate as you get older. And because life is short, nobody will accomplish everything they want to do. You’ve got to prioritize and do the things that are really important to you. Now at the same time, life’s just long enough that you can’t completely throw caution to the wind and do nothing but what you want to do at the moment. It may work for a little while, but if you live strictly in the moment, chances are that life will catch up with you and you’ll suffer in the long run. Either that, or you’ll die young, in which case my second point is moot.

I’ve got a theory as to why time seems to accelerate as you get older. When you’re two years old, one year is half of your life. Now on a relative scale, waiting half of a lifetime is a long time to wait for anything. When you’re ten years old, one year is only one-tenth of your life, which isn’t as bad when comparing it to one half of your lifetime. When you’re twenty, one year is only one-twentieth of your lifetime… relatively smaller yet. And so it goes as you get older. That’s my belief on why time seems to go by at an ever-faster rate as you age. For each day that you age, a day becomes a smaller and smaller portion of your life experience, so consequently, it doesn’t seem like such a long time. As you get a little older yet, a week doesn’t seem so long. Not long after that, a month doesn’t seem like very much time. Before you know it, you’re planning decades in advance, similar to how kids plan a day or a week ahead.

“It’s not really that life is short, it’s just that death is so long.” The sooner you realize that life is short, the sooner you can get into living it. As you begin to get a little life experience under your belt, the sooner you realize what’s important and begin to act accordingly. It seems that when you’re young, it’s all about the instant gratification. As you hit your adolescent years, life becomes a huge sense of right and wrong. It’s not fair that you can’t stay up until 11:00, when your friends can stay up until 11:30. As you hit your early 20’s it becomes a combination of both, as you begin to explore your newfound freedoms… hitting the bars, becoming politically active, etc. But you still take the little things too seriously.

It’s only as you get the experience that you realize that life isn’t about instant gratification, material possessions, or who’s got the most toys. Life isn’t a contest, an event or a struggle. Life’s a journey. Yes, there will be events, struggles and contests along the way, but life is more than the sum of its parts, and the journey is about balance. A little bit of excess, a little bit of conservation. A little bit of outlandishness, a little bit of reservation. A little bit of give, a little bit of take. A little bit of love, a little bit of hate. It’s okay to live in the moment, but don’t be consumed by it. It’s great to plan for the future, but not to the exclusion of today. It’s okay to be angry, but don’t be consumed by the hate. It’s okay to want and desire, but not to covet and obsess. It’s good to be content with your lot in life, but not to the point of stagnation. Strive to keep growing. Endeavor to keep learning. Continue to take on new challenges. But remember to take time to appreciate what you’ve got while you’re on this journey. Repeat as necessary. If you completely gaff this tidbit off, you’re too busy living in the moment. If it rules your life, you’re too focused on what’s yet to come.

A Little Parity for Fathers, Please

I’ve got a friend whose wife divorced him a few years back. During the divorce proceedings, she decided to move out of state with the kids. I’m absolutely positive that there are aspects of the divorce that I’m not aware of, so I’m not going to make a value judgment on the divorce itself. After all, since this man is my friend, it’s fair to say that I’ve got a bias in his favor. But what I’d like to discuss today has nothing to do with divorce – it’s got to do with child custody and child support as it relates to fathers.

When my friend went to court for the custody hearing, his soon-to-be ex had already decided to leave the state. She wanted complete legal custody of the kids, complete physical custody of the kids, and the maximum amount of child support she could get. This was the only acceptable option for her. My friend wanted joint legal custody, and primary physical custody of the kids, but only because she was moving out of state. He’d have been happy with joint physical custody if she hadn’t decided to move. As it became apparent that he wouldn’t get primary physical custody, he decided that he’d ask for every third weekend with the kids, instead of the standard every other weekend with the kids. This, he stated, was because he didn’t want the kids to spend so much of their time on the road – he wanted what was best for them. So, when the custody was determined, he spent every third weekend, plus six weeks over the summer with his kids.

A year or so ago, his ex moved back to town with the kids and her new husband. My friend was ecstatic that he would now be able to spend more time with his kids, and indeed it started happening. He got them once in a while during the week, and saw them every other weekend. Somewhere along the line, he decided that he wanted joint physical care. Since he and his ex were living in the same town, this seemed like a reasonable request… at least it seemed reasonable to him. The boys’ mom, on the other hand, didn’t like the idea at all, and was completely unwilling to amend the status quo in any way, shape or form.

At this point, my friend realized that he had no other recourse than going back to court. The ex said that if they did go back to court, that she’d fight any changes in custody, and that she’d go for more child support. He wanted his boys, and she wasn’t willing to give him any more custody than he already had, so he had no choice but to go back to court. She made good on her threat and asked for more child support.

During the hearing, each of them presented their side of the argument. She said that the kids should know where their home is. He said that the boys should be able to spend an equal amount of time with their dad, especially considering they all lived in the same town. His attorney reminded the judge of the state law recently passed saying that joint custody and joint care was the preferred custody arrangement in new divorce cases unless one parent was proven unfit, or wanted less than full custody. The judge hinted that joint custody would be awarded when he said that an ideal custody situation is where a child says “I’ve got two homes” when asked about living arrangements.

In the end, it didn’t go exactly as my friend had hoped. He got a slightly extended version of every other weekend, with the visitations starting Wednesday evening during his custody times. He also got six weeks during the summer. So he essentially got the custody that she had set forth when she moved back to town. But here’s the kicker – he’s paying more child support. Yes, he got more time with the kids, but his child support went up, despite the fact that he’s spending more time with the kids. To add insult to injury, the judge made it retroactive to the beginning of the year, and the increase in child support is enough that he’s probably going to lose his home.

Based on everything I understand about the court system – and I’ve got personal experience with divorce and child custody – the stated goal of the courts when it comes to custody battles is the best interest of the child. Assuming that each parent is equally fit, how is a child not getting to spend equal time with each parent in the best interest of the child? How is it in a child’s best interest to wonder why he can’t spend more time with daddy? How is it in a child’s best interest to see a father lose everything he has because of child support payments?

I understand the deadbeat dad argument. I realize that men used to abandon their family, leaving them with nothing. I also realize that this still happens. But I’ve also got enough life experience to know that the deadbeat dad is the exception, not the rule. Despite the modern reality that most men want to share in the care and upbringing of their children, they are forced to be secondary parents, and pay through the nose for the privilege of watching their children grow up from afar. When it comes to parental rights, fathers are considered less emotionally able to care for their kids. And when these fathers are ripped away from their children, the court compounds the agony by forcing them to pay exorbitant amounts of money in order to keep things “fair.”

It’s time for this to change. While I don’t believe that all men are created equal, and I do acknowledge that some men are deadbeats, it’s unreasonable to assume that mothers are superior parents, just because of their gender. Men should be given the opportunity to spend an equal amount of time with their children. Not only should men be given the opportunity to be treated as equal parents, but the current child support laws should be revisited as well. If a father has equal custody of the children, then he should not be forced to pay support to the mother. Just as he has an obligation to work to feed his children, so does she. And if she fails to live up to this obligation, he should not be punished for it.

As I say this should be the standard, I do realize that some men are either unfit or do not want equal time with their children. Allowances should be made for these exceptions, and child support is still warranted in these situations. But considering how much times have changed, realizing how much society has evolved, and understanding that it’s the standard – not the exception – that men want to be actively involved in their children’s lives, it’s time to change the laws and court practices to reflect this new reality. It’s time to let men be equal parents, and in these circumstances, it’s time to ask the women to stand on their own two feet and not expect the men to keep subsidizing their portion of the child-rearing.

A little about Political Correctness

When I was a kid, I used to play dodge ball. When I first started playing, I wasn’t very good, so I got hit – a lot; and it usually hurt – a lot! But I enjoyed it, I learned from it, and eventually I got better at it. Now kids aren’t supposed to play dodge ball because they can get hurt from it.

I used to play baseball and Red Rover too. I was a small kid, so I sucked at both of them and was often one of the last kids picked. Occasionally I was the last kid picked. But I still had fun playing with my friends. I never got as good at baseball as I did with dodge ball, but I did get better as I practiced. Eventually I was one of the middle kids picked. Sometimes my team won, sometimes we lost. You can still play ball at school these days, but I guess they don’t allow scorekeeping until you’re a little older… something about not wanting to make the losing team feel like losers.

Am I the only one who thinks that Political Correctness has gone waaaaaayyyyy off the deep end, and did so a looooonnnnnngggg time ago? Come on! This PC crap has gotten so bad, that you can’t have a conversation with anyone without worrying about who you’re pissing off and how their fragile little psyche will recover. What’s up with that?!? When did we get to the point that we began to worry more about what everyone else thinks than we cherished our freedom of speech? When did we get to the point that it’s more important to worry about how someone may interpret how you say something, rather than exchanging thoughts and ideas, promoting critical thinking or encouraging free expression? How is it that society finds it less acceptable to offend someone than to express truth, promote thought, or exchange ideas?

Is it possible to have a conversation and still be mindful of another’s sensitivities? Ummmm, yeah. And I agree with the premise that social interactions call for some modicum of sensitivity and interpersonal awareness. But when you get to the point that it takes five minutes of “smoothing over” to convey what could be said in 30 seconds, that’s just nuts!

Let’s go back to dodge ball and baseball for a second. How does it benefit kids to ban a sport because someone might get hurt? How does it benefit kids to forbid scorekeeping in a competitive sport? It doesn’t! Not only does it “not benefit” the kids, it is detrimental! Why? Because in the game of life there are winners and there are losers. In the real world, we all keep score. How does it help kids to shield them from this harsh reality when they’re young? It doesn’t. It hurts them, because by shielding them from the reality of our competitive society, kids don’t get the opportunity to learn the skills necessary to succeed and excel. They’re not equipped to deal with criticism, they haven’t had an opportunity to learn perseverance, and they haven’t been taught that the world really can be a cruel place. If they haven’t learned these lessons, how can we expect our children to succeed in life?

Let’s think about this from another angle. Who wants to be politically correct? Aren’t politicians among the most despised people on the planet? Aren’t politicians known for smiling in your presence, shaking your hand, and then sinking a dagger in your back as soon as it’s turned? Aren’t politicians renowned for their ability to screw over the common man in the pursuit of their own interests? Aren’t politicians considered contemptible for their inability to level with people, with straight talk and straight answers? How is it that our society detests these traits in our elected officials, yet strives for these same qualities in our own social relationships?

I say enough’s enough! Screw the bleeding-hearts and their overblown sensitivities. Tell an insensitive joke. Forget about protecting our children’s fragile psyches for a moment and let them keep score in a baseball game. Throw caution to the wind, and let them play dodge ball. It may sting a bit, but they’ll be better adults when they’ve learned that in our society, there are winners and losers. It may hurt their pride occasionally to lose, but it will teach them to persevere if they wish to succeed. If you really love your kids, throw the idea of political correctness out the window, and let them lose. Let them hear tasteless jokes. Hell, tease them yourself from time to time (just let them know that you’re teasing and remind them that you love them). They’ll be better off for it in the long run.