A Message from Beyond the Grave

Most people don't know this about me, but I was a medium in one of my former jobs. That's right, I spoke to the dead. To most people, I'm sure this sounds fascinating and exciting, but in all honesty, it downright sucked! The conversations were invariably boring or depressing, my friends (and sometimes total strangers) kept asking me to do stupid shit like trying to contact their dead cat Mitzy. (For the last time people, pets don't go to heaven!) Without a doubt though, getting a message from the grave was worse than trying to get a communique to the other side.

You see, the dead don't think of time in the same way that we do, they don't need to sleep, and they tend to be a little obsessive-compulsive. The end result is that spirits tend to be a little inconsiderate in their attempts to contact the living, and they always contacted me at inopportune moments... when I'm sleeping, when I'm trying to read a book, and so forth. I finally decided to quit the medium business when a particularly selfish spectre started nagging me during sex. Talk about a mood killer!

The thing is, I was a really good medium, and I had a solid reputation among the dead - a reputation that stands to this day. So despite the fact that I'm no longer death's messenger, I am still occasionally contacted by the recently departed. That's what happened last night. I was really surprised, because I hadn't yet seen the news so I didn't know that al-Zarqawi was killed, but I was also pissed. Once again, a selfish spirit thought that his message was more important than my beauty rest.

When I heard that it was al-Zarqawi though, my interest was piqued, despite the fact that he woke me up from a really cool dream. Al-Zarquawi asked me to deliver a few messages. In the interest of humanity, I agreed to relay the information. (Before I do though, I want it to be known in no uncertain terms that I am NOT back in the medium business. So don't start writing me and asking me to contact your recently departed uncle Joe.)

Al-Zarqawi's Messages:

To the American Military: I am not going to be a poor sport. You beat me fair and square. I broke every rule in the book, and you still ended up winning. Congratulations. I bear you no ill will. You are honorable warriors.

To my followers: Do not despair. My sources here tell me that you will be joining me soon.

To Osama bin Laden: Osama, you suck! You lied to me! There are no virgins here. In fact, I'm not in heaven at all. I'm really pissed at you, but I'm even more disappointed in myself. After all, I'm a smart guy. I can't believe I fell for your bullshit rhetoric.

To the American People: In death I finally understand that you really do want peace for my people, and I have discovered a new respect for you. Your president is still a dumbass though.