Saying Goodbye to Another Friend

After a long, valiant struggle with cancer, my best friend's aunt, MAW, passed away Monday. As well as being my friend in her own right, MAW was as close to me as my own aunt; she will be missed.

When MAW was first diagnosed with cancer, she agreed to do an interview for my blog. The interview started in March of 2010, but was never completed. During the interview process, her cancer went into remission. As a result, she went out and lived life for another year or so, which was significantly more important than finishing this interview. What follows is the partially-completed interview.


How long have you and RES been together?

RES and I started running around together in July of 1978. We moved in together in November of 1981.


You love to cook, bake, can and preserve food. What's your favorite thing to do in the kitchen, and is there any area in the kitchen where you don't do well?

My favorite thing to do in the kitchen is preparing meals for friends we have invited to dine and giving away the things I have cooked, baked, canned and preserved to friends who will enjoy them. The area of the kitchen where I don't do well is clean up.


When I was at your house the other day, I got the impression that you and RES have traveled quite a bit. What travel destination did you like most? Where have you not gone that you'd like to visit?

You are right, we have traveled a lot and have really enjoyed our trips. My favorite travel destination was Washington, DC. There was so much to see and do, not only in DC, but in the surrounding areas, such as Gettysburg, Hershey PA, and Mount Vernon. We could have spent a lot longer than we were able to in the Holocaust Museum. We would have liked to travel to Europe, but didn't make it.


How long have you "known" that you are gay? Is it something you've always realized, or did you learn somewhere later in life?

I'm not sure that I ever "discovered" that I was gay. Up to the time I met RES all of my experiences had been heterosexual. Once I met RES, I knew I had met my life partner. For the first time in my life I had met someone with whom I was totally comfortable, both sexually and spiritually. Therefore, I think I would probably say I am bisexual in response to this question.


You were recently diagnosed with stage 4 spinal cancer. (Please correct me if I've got something incorrect there.) I know there are times when you're in a lot of pain. Furthermore you are facing man's greatest fear. Yet your spirit and will seem strong as iron. You are laughing, smiling, and making your final arrangements. Have you broken down and cried? Are you afraid?

This is a hard one to answer. I'm not sure I have completely faced the fact that my illness is terminal. Keeping busy helps me to keep my mind of off my illness and my pain is under control. I have broken down and cried, particularly when I am seeing friends I know I will not see again, such as my friend from Illinois who recently drove up to see me. Selling my car was hard for me. My car and my driver's license have always been a sign of independence for me. I do not think I am afraid of being dead. I am afraid of how I'm going to get there. Being able to stay at home means so much to me. I do worry so much about RES when I am gone and how she is going to cope, Sis too.


Your illness has to bring you face-to-face with God. How do you feel about God right now? How do you feel about meeting a God whose church condemns the love that you and RES have shared for all of these years?

RES and I recently rejoined St. Stephen's Lutheran Church. Both of us have wanted to do this for a long time. I am not sure what you mean by "a God whose church condemns the love that you and RES have shared..." Neither the God I believe in nor the church I go to does this. I believe everyone should be allowed to worship God as they please. Don't get me started on religious groups who try to combine religion and politics, particularly in the areas of same sex marriages and abortion.


I suspect that you are one of the people in our country with solid insurance coverage. Are you satisfied with the coverage and treatment you have received over the last few months? On the occasions where you've had to call the insurance company, have they been compassionate to your situation, or have they been bureaucratic ... (or maybe a bit of both)?

Unfortunately, we do not have solid insurance coverage. We do not have long term care coverage. If Sis had not volunteered to come down and help RES take care of me, we would have gone through our savings at a very rapid rate ($9,000 a month). I have not had to call the insurance company. This is a question better put to RES.


You are very family oriented... full of love and warmth. Did you ever consider having children of your own or adopting?

My one regret is not having children of my own. I have been blessed with a sister and brother-in-law who have allowed me to be a part of their family. When I was young, the options for motherhood were not available that are there now.


When Iowa passed the law allowing gay marriage, you didn't rush out and tie the knot. Why did you wait?

We were waiting and planned to eventually get married, but we wanted to do it up right, with a ceremony and reception with all of our family and friends included.


As long as I've known you, you've owned Basset Hounds. What draws you to that specific breed?

You will have to ask RES that question. I had a Samoyed when I got my first dog. I would have liked to have gotten a lap-sized dog the last time we adopted, but RES held firm. They are awfully cute, though, don't you think?


Let's pretend that I'm writing the next "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book, and I came to you for a quote. What would you have me write?

Nothing I have to say would be worth putting in a "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book.


What is your proudest achievement?

I think I can honestly say that no matter what task I have been given, I have done it to the best of my ability. I think I have always tried to be kind, and to lend a helping hand to people who need one.