...For Example

Yesterday I restated my position regarding child support in joint custody situations. I explained that my stance is based not merely on personal experience, but also factored in the experiences of friends and relatives. Though I am a divorced father of two children, my opinion was formed long before I parted ways with my kids’ mom. However, I will concede that personal experience has strongly reinforced my belief that joint custody and no child support is usually the best solution. Today, I would like to use a real-life example to illustrate my point.

Someone I know very well divorced his wife a few years back. They were awarded joint custody of the kids, and despite the fact that their income was similar, he was ordered to pay his ex-wife child support. The court-division of assets was relatively equitable. He got more assets, but he also retained more of the debt. He kept the house, but the mortgage and other debts were high enough that he barely scraped by.

The ex-wife on the other hand, had very few bills, lived in a small two-bedroom apartment, and received a large cash settlement from the divorce. She was flush with cash and he could barely make ends meet – mainly due to the mortgage payment on the house that he kept primarily for the benefit of the kids. Despite all of this, the court ordered him to pay her child support.

Although he was terminally short on cash, he always took care of the kids. They ate well at his house, he made sure they got to the doctor when the kids were sick, they had a nice place to live, and the kids had loving, meaningful relationships with both parents. By mutual agreement, the kids’ mom bought and paid for most of the clothing, and dad took care of most of the other stuff. Time passed, and things changed.

Eventually, he paid off a couple of his older debts, got a couple of small raises at work and started getting ahead in life. He fell in love and got remarried, and her income provided him a little extra relief. And since his new wife loved her step-children, she contributed significantly to the kids’ quality of life.

The ex-wife was a slightly different story. She lost her job. Nobody knows for sure if she was laid off, quit, or was fired for cause. The large cash settlement she received – a settlement that was large enough to sustain her for over six months, even without unemployment – had already disappeared. She got a new job, but it didn’t pay quite as much. He understood this, and in an attempt to do what was best for the kids, he agreed to take on even more of the kids’ expenses. Money was still a little tight for him, but doing what’s right for the kids was more important.

A year or two later, opportunity knocked and he landed a new job. He got a noticeable pay increase, and finally started thinking that his life was back on track. He could contribute to his retirement fund, go on vacations with the family and do even more for the kids. Unfortunately, his ex-wife also heard about his new job and took him back to court for more child support. Despite the fact that he already paid for virtually all of the kids’ expenses, regardless of the fact that he already paid her child support, she wanted more. Why? Because she was entitled to it; because it was “free.”

I know both of these people pretty well. I will freely admit that I’m a little biased toward his position, especially since it’s so strikingly similar to mine. With that aside though, where is the justice in this? He’s worked to get ahead, and she hasn’t really done anything to improve her lot in life. Her child support increased, but she didn’t spend more on the kids; she spent it on herself. She took money out of his pocket – money that he used to spend on the kids – and she spent it on herself. How did that serve anyone, other than her selfish interest?

Unfortunately, this tends to be the status quo when it comes to child support. The paying parent barely makes ends meet, while the recipient receives “free” money, and frequently this money doesn’t ever benefit the kids. The kids wonder why they can’t do more with the paying parent; the parent understands but remains silent because it’s what’s best for the kids. Where is the justice in this system? I certainly don’t see it.

For the record, I understand that not every case is like this one. I realize that there are many deadbeat parents who don’t pay anything. I know there are some cases where one parent rakes in the bucks and never sees the kid, while the other parent struggles to make the rent. The thing is, my experience tells me that my example above is the status quo and these horror stories are the exception. This is why things need to change… at least in the cases of joint custody.