Roughly six weeks ago, I wrote a post about my older daughter's boyfriend. It was a post that I'd been avoiding, that covered a topic I'd been avoiding. Well, ladies and gentlemen, the boyfriend subject has once again reared its ugly head.
I found out a couple of weeks ago that the boyfriend has been charged with four crimes... first degree theft, burglary, conspiracy and using a minor to commit these acts. My original intent was to keep this information to myself. I've already told Bakin my position on her boyfriend, and I know that the only thing that would result from harping is a damaged relationship with my daughter.
My plans changed though, and I ended up talking to her about this again. Lately, she's been nagging me to let her boyfriend stay overnight, an idea I dislike for more reasons than I can count. She kept asking, and I kept saying no. One night though, she asked me how long until I'd let him sleep over. I didn't answer. Another night, she asked why I wouldn't let him sleep over. I didn't answer immediately. But when she asked why, I realized that I had to talk to her again about her boyfriend. That day was yesterday.
She wasn't feeling good, so it was a mercifully short conversation, but here's essentially what I said... You have asked me why Derek can't stay the night. It's because I don't trust him. He's been charged with first degree theft and burglary, and I don't trust him. I don't want him in my house. I get that you don't like this answer. But what you don't seem to get is that I am making a major concession to by letting him in my house at all. You need to be done asking me to let him stay the night.
She didn't yell back. She did inform me that she knew about the charges against him. (At least he's not hiding it from her.) She basically shut down for a while, and then left... ostensibly to hang out with him.
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Ummmm...yeah. I totally understand where you're coming from, Dave. TOTALLY. And I have been in that position too with my daughter. And one of my son's family of in-laws as well. I knew they had had charges against them- and I ddn't want them in my home-(or near my kids, but there was nothing I could do about THAT particular situation).
On the other hand- My own son had some trouble with the law-but no conspiracy or using a minor or burglary charges(remind me to tell you that story some day)- and he got in a LOT of trouble- served some time- but then when he got out paid restitution-working THREE jobs BEGINNING the day he got out of jail, and ended up six months later having paid off his debts for those crimes. fast forward two years- he had been in no more trouble-at ALL- had gotten engaged to his sweetheart(who stood by him during that difficult time despite her families objections for the very same valid reasons you have with Bakin), they both had really good jobs, had bought themselves a home and some land and had two brand new cars and was happy and on top of the world until he had his accident and left us. His mother-in law absolutely adored him after he -regained her trust after the trouble with the law debacle and she sand his praises to high heaven- and says she doesnt think any man will ever take his place in her and Kathy's life after Clay showing them that change for the better IS possible.
People do change for the better.
Sometimes.
This being said......I still say listen to that little voice in the back of your head. Mine has never led me wrong.
Stick to your guns until you're sure of him.
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