Whack-A-Mole

I know life's not a contest, but sometimes I feel like I just can't win. Sometimes I can't get ahead at work, sometimes I'm struggling just to tread water at home. It's like some giant cosmic force is playing whack-a-mole with my psyche. When my head pops up at work, a kid gets sick (WHACK!). When a kid brings home a good report card, I suddenly have an unexpected home repair (WHACK!). Once in a great while, the aforementioned cosmic force has an attention lapse in our unending game, and I can make progress in a few areas of life simultaneously. But before long, he starts paying attention, and all of my progress is beat back into place (WHACK, WHACK, WHACK!).

Where did all of this come from?? Well, it's got to do with my wife, my kids and my ex. Under normal circumstances, I have the kids half time. I get them every Monday, every Wednesday, and every other Friday through Sunday. Due to a huge combination of forces though, I've had them every weekend since the end of August (WHACK!). Like any parent, I love my kids. And because I love my kids, I'm going to take them when I'm asked, even if that means I run myself ragged in the process... even if it means I have to wait a little longer until my wife and I can have a quiet evening together. About the only thing that stops me from taking the kids when it's not my night is if the Mrs. and I already have plans.

Tonight was supposed to be a no-kids night. I usually have Tuesday evenings to myself. The kids are with their mom and my wife works until 8:00. I usually spend the evening racing in a NASCAR Simulated Racing League. Today the ex called and asked if I could take the kids tonight, and in return she'd take them tomorrow (WHACK!). I thought about it for a bit...

Since the Sim Racing League is between seasons now, I don't have a race tonight. My better half works late tonight, so I figured that agreeing to take the kids wouldn't be an issue with her. I agreed to the ex's request, and I gave my wife a courtesy call to let her know what's what; that way she wouldn't be surprised when she got home from work and the kids are there. When I thought about the ex's request, the first thing I thought about was spending today with the kids, despite the fact that my wife and I long ago pushed ourselves far past the point of needing a break. The fact that we need a break is the next thing that crossed my mind. I thought "Hmmmm... if I swap, then we have the kids tonight, but we'll have Wednesday through Monday to kick back and recharge our batteries. That was part of why I agreed to watch the kids.

When I called my sweetheart and told her what I'd agreed to, she didn't sound happy (WHACK!). I asked her if something was wrong and she said that she was tired. I know she was being a trooper and not making things worse for us both by having an argument, but I'm pretty sure I know what she was thinking, and quite honestly, I kind of feel like crap. I made a decision without consulting her, thinking it was best for both of us in the long run. (By long run, I mean the next few days.)

I know the crux of the problem. My bride feels that I'm letting my ex take advantage of me (WHACK!). And to an extent, she's right (WHACK, WHACK!). The ex asks this of us pretty frequently (every other week or so), and it does infringe on my alone time with my better half. I understand how my wife feels neglected. Her perception is that when my ex asks me to watch the kids, I jump, and what precious little time my spouse and I have together often suffers. We have this talk quite a bit.

I know she sees this as just another example of a larger pattern... a pattern that I seem unwilling -- or unable -- to change. I know that the love of my life sometimes feels like she's playing second fiddle to my ex and my kids. And to some extent, I'll concede that she's got a point (WHACK!). But I think of my kids...

I think of my kids, and realize that if they spent the night at their mom's house, she'd be frustrated, pissed, depressed or whatever, and the kids would suffer. Don't get me wrong, it's not like their mom would abuse them. But when she gets cranky, she tends to yell and/or withdraw, so the kids would suffer (WHACK!). I figure it's better for the kids to be with me in that case.

I think of my kids, and appreciate the fact that they're not going to be daddy's little girls forever. Since they're not going to be around forever, I want to take advantage of the time I've got while it's available. Once they've grown up and moved from the house, I want to be able to honestly say that I gave them as much as I could offer, even if it means sacrifice in the short term.

I think of my kids and realize that I want to do everything in my power to instill in them the knowledge that I'm always there for them. I want them to know that they can always come to me... and by extension, I want them to feel the same way about my wife.

It's because of these thoughts and feelings that I agree to take my kids when it's supposed to be their mom's night. It's because of these thoughts and feelings that I appear to take it in stride when they show up at my house unexpectedly, wanting to play with me, despite the fact that it's their mom's day, and despite the fact that my wife and I are exhausted and need time to recharge our batteries (WHACK!).

And this is why I feel so uneasy when I feel caught between doing what's right for my kids, and doing what's right for my wife and me. I know that I consistently take the kids. I know that it consistently looks like I'm being inconsiderate of the needs of my bride (WHACK, WHACK, WHACK!).

And today, I figured I was doing a trade-off. I figured I'd take the kids on a night when she had to work late anyway, and that we'd have the next five days to ourselves. I had hoped that I could explain it to her from this perspective... I had hoped that she'd see this as a good thing. But I don't think that's the case (WHACK!). I think she took this as yet another instance of me caving to the ex's request to watch the kids, but didn't want to re-hash stuff we've talked about time and again (WHACK!). Based on how often I agree to this though, I see and understand her point. The thing is, I really don't know what to do. I want the extra time with the kids, because I know it won't last forever. But I don't want my wife feeling like she's taking a back seat, because that's not how I feel(WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!).

I should also clarify a couple of things... the wife works late on Wednesdays too, so we're trading tonight's half evening of freedom for tomorrow's half evening of freedom. The difference is that by doing the trade, our five evenings will be continuous.

And I should also say that my wife loves our kids. In fact, I'm intentionally saying "our kids" because she loves them and treats them as if they were hers biologically. So as I say this, I hope you don't get the impression that she's not attached to the kids or that she's being selfish. As I am freely admitting now, she would freely admit that she's got conflicting emotions when it comes to spending time with our kids.

Then again, she may have honestly been tired today and I may have been reading too much in to the conversation.


Whack-a-mole.