We Need to Talk

It's a phrase that strikes terror in the hearts of the bravest of men -- the fear-invoking "Can we talk?" The only thing worse than the dreaded "We need to talk" is when you get a phone call or an email saying "We need to talk tonight." At least when "We need to talk" comes up, the agony is momentary and fleeting. When you hear "We need to talk later" your mind has more than ample time to come up with every worst-case scenario in the book.

In my relationship with the better half, I take pride in the fact that we have honest, open and consistent communication. But in the end, I'm still a guy. I can frequently tell when something's wrong, but I don't always catch it. And even when I do see that something's not right,I don't have women's intuition, so I almost always fail to pinpoint exactly where the problem lies. Of course, being a guy, I always know that I'm the problem. (That's a JOKE.)

I know that communication is key to any relationship. But that phrase is about as serious as it can get. That phrase scares me more than the prospect of going into a doctor's office for a checkup, and having the doctor walk back into the examination room, solemn-faced, after the tests are done and saying "You may want to sit down for this one..."

I'm not naive enough to believe that you can have a relationship without using "Can we talk" at all, but there should be some sort of tier system set up for this. Saying "Can we talk" when you're having a bad hair day is completely different than "Can we talk" about totaling the family minivan, which in turn is in a completely different category than "Can we talk" about gambling away the family's life savings, which still doesn't compare to "Can we talk" I've just hired an attorney and I'm moving out. What I'd like to recommend is something as follows...

Tier 1: "Have you got a second?" I'm having a bad hair day. This is a time where it's nothing really major, but you'd like your spouses undivided attention for a couple of minutes so you can vent. It's not your spouse's fault.

Tier 2: "Have you got a minute?" You forgot to put the toilet seat down, or I had a really bad day at work. It's something slightly more major, but not your spouse's fault, or it's nothing major, but it is your spouse's fault.

Tier 3: "Can we chat for a few minutes?" You've been leaving up the toilet seat all week, and I'm really tired of it. It's something slightly more major, and it's your spouse's fault, but it's still not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Tier 4: "Can we talk for a bit?" You've been spending way too much time with your friends, way too much money on beer, etc. This is relatively major, it's your spouse's fault, and if the behavior isn't changed, it could lead to some major relationship problems down the line. And leaving the toilet seat up in no way, shape or form will ever qualify for a tier 4 "Can we talk for a bit" statement.

Tier 5: "Can we talk?" You need to quit drinking. You need to quit spending all night, every night, in front of the computer. This is something that, if not handled immediately, severe damage to the relationship is imminent.

Tier 6: "Can we talk? You'll need to put the remote down." I caught you cheating. I know that you've drained our life savings on your gambling problem. This is something that, if not completely addressed immediately, the relationship will likely end.

This proposed tier system will help your spouse understand the severity of the problem you're trying to address, will lead to better communication over the long haul, help prioritize the whole "Can we talk" system, and prevent unnecessary terror on the part of the spouse hearing the dreaded phrase -- usually the man.