TSA to Allow Scissors on Planes. Decision on Rock and Paper Expected Soon.

In a surprise decision, TSA officials have announced that airline passengers will be allowed to carry scissors onto planes, delighting children who travel by air. One TSA official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the decision would allow them to focus on more crucial aspects of their job, such as harassing women with under wire bras and military veterans with metal plates in their heads.

Six-year-old Johnny, a frequent airline traveler, was thrilled by today's announcement. "Oh, this is awesome," he was quoted as exclaiming! "Hopefully, TSA will also raise restrictions on rock and paper, so me and my brother Timmy can play one of our favorite airplane games. On a flight last year, we both called 'scissors.' The flight attendant confiscated our fingers, and threatened to kick us off the plane, saying that we smuggled dangerous weapons through airport security."

TSA and airline representatives have refused to comment on Johnny's allegation, citing their policy of silence during an ongoing investigation.