My Fire Hose was a Fire Hose

"My Fire Hose was a Fire Hose" is Part Three of an Interactive Serial Novel, inspired by the word verification feature of blogger. The story is centered around "words" that were created by the word verification feature of blogger, but defined and submitted by readers of this blog. You may want to refer to the dictionary from time to time as you read this story.

Click Here for Part I

Click Here for Part II

The next thing I remember was opening my eyes and looking directly at bright fluorescent lights. I’m smarter than your average bear, but it still took me a second to realize what was what. (They say that tends to happen when you get your ass knocked out… whoever “they” are.) Yep, you guessed it; I was in the hospital.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” I heard an unfamiliar voice say.

“Oh shit,” I thought. It’s never good when you’re lying in a hospital bed and you hear ‘I’ve never seen anything like it.’ I propped myself up on my elbows, determined to figure out what they were talking about. For someone who was lying in a hospital bed, after just having the crap knocked out of him, I felt surprisingly good – almost J-Mode good. I did a mental scan of my body. No aches, pains, bumps, bruises, scratches… nothing. “Never seen anything like what,” I queried as I sat up? The others in the room, apparently startled a bit by my unexpected interjection into their conversation, jumped a bit and turned to face me.

“Hello. I’m Dr. Jasper, and this is my colleague, Dr. Whitfield.” We were just discussing you as a matter of fact. How’s your jaw feeling?”

“Fine, why do you ask?” That’s when I remembered what happened at the pub. “How long have I been out?”

“You’ve been here for an hour or so. That’s part of what we were talking about. When you arrived, you had a concussion and your jaw was shattered. But by the time we had started wiring your jaw shut, it had zmoau started healing itself, right in front of our eyes. Within fifteen minutes, it had completely healed… and I mean completely. Your X-Rays look as if your jaw had never been broken. Your concussion is healed too.”

“So I’m healthy? In good shape?”

“We’d like to run some more tests on you, just to make sure.”

“But you just said there’s nothing wrong." Doctors are such bystrdos.

“Yes, but we’d like to make sure. And I’ll admit, we’re also a bit curious as to how you healed so quickly.”

I got up and started dressing. “Nope. I’m not your lab rat. Let’s just chalk this one up to a freak incident.”

“But…”

“Thanks, but no,” I insisted as I headed for the bathroom.

Once I was in the can, I realized that I had to go. Of course, as soon as my ass hit the porcelain, I realized there wasn’t enough puapp. Damn, I hate when that happens.

“Ummmm…. Doc?”

“Yes?”

“Could you get me some more puapp?”

“Will you let us run a few more tests?”

“No, but if you don’t get me some more puapp, I’ll be forced to use my hospital gown, the towels in here, and if it’s bad enough, maybe even the shower curtain, to wipe my ass. We don’t want that, do we?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Thanks,” I said, as I relaxed my muscles. “Oh, doc?”

“Yes?”

“Could you bring me some of the good puapp? The stuff that makes you TPRubPrr?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

This is where it starts to get really strange. Now, you know how it is when you sit down to take a crap, right? You usually end up taking a leak at the same time. Well, this time was no exception. I felt the urge to ease the pressure in the bladder and the bowels. I must have really had to go, because when I cut loose, it was like an ozukma; and no, I’m not speaking figuratively. My fire hose was a fire hose. I actually shattered the toilet bowl with the pressure, which of course caused me to fall on the floor. (After all, I was sitting on it at the time.) Naturally, I was caught completely off guard, which is how I ended up peeing on the ceiling and walls, causing them to crash in all around me. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. Here I am, lying on the floor, in a puddle of toilet water, watching the ceiling and walls collapse around me… all because I took a leak. And I’m so freaked out by this whole experience that my ozukma is still spraying out of control, causing still more damage to my hospital room. Finally, I gathered my wits, stopped the ozukma stream, and laughed at the utter absurdity of what I had just experienced… and caused. I can only imagine the damage I could have caused if I had gotten around to letting the torpedoes drop. I changed my mind and decided to let the doctors run a few tests after all.

Drop by tomorrow for the fourth installment.