Lick This Salt

"Lick This Salt" is Part Five of an Interactive Serial Novel, inspired by the word verification feature of blogger. The story is centered around "words" that were created by the word verification feature of blogger, but defined and submitted by readers of this blog. You may want to refer to the dictionary from time to time as you read this story.

Click Here for Part I

Click Here for Part II

Click Here for Part III

Click Here for Part IV

“Sorry, you won’t be making the aqvra tonight,” Tammy answered, as we pulled into the parking lot of a run-down motel.

“Let me guess, we’re here.”

“Yes. We’re in room 13, Tammy added.”

“How did I know that? You do realize this is like something out of a cheesy comic book, right?”

“I assure you, this is very real,” Tammy quipped, opening the door to room 13. “Take a seat,” she instructed as she walked through the door. “This won’t hurt a bit, but it’ll feel a little… weird.”

“Oh come on! This is too much. You’re not even using your own lines. That’s like something out of The Maytricks… where Mobius says that to Nemo before they go into the white zone.”

“We do realize that what we’re saying is a little cliché,” Tammy’s boyfriend retorted, losing his patience a little bit. Would you rather we just do what needs to be done, without warning you what’s coming up?”

“Ummm… I guess not.” He did have a good point.

“Now… As I was saying,” Tammy continued. “This isn’t going to hurt, but it will feel strange. I need you to lick this salt, and then we’re going to use the vyrioclr on you. This will put you in a state of semi-consciousness, so that we can communicate with the being.”

I had no sooner gotten the salt to my mouth, than Tammy’s boyfriend had pulled out a handkerchief and put it over my face. I reflexively gasped, and instantly found myself losing awareness of my surroundings.

“XXALKK!!” The sound came unbidden from my throat. “What do you want,” continued my voice?

“We demand that you release this man from your evil possession immediately,” demanded Tammy.

“Evil!?! I’m not evil,” my voice protested.

“Then why, when you possessed me, did I become so angry, jealous and possessive,” demanded Tammy’s boyfriend.”

“Aajshsi!!” My body convulsed.

“Blsyi,” Tammy and her boyfriend responded in unison.

“I was allergic to you,” my voice said to Tammy’s boyfriend. “Look, my voice continued. I’m not evil. I don’t possess and take over people’s bodies. In fact, I’m an Iuhnanu. My race strives for peace, love, and intergalactic understanding between the intelligent species of the universe. We achieve this peace through the eradication of crappy social culture. We seek to bring universal harmony by doing things such as eliminating evldnzn, any hair style that uses oeagojel, and the use of gpeivrbs; and by promoting healthy alternatives such as penkgx, boaeismg, and drinking fjdaqs with good friends.”

“Really,” gasped Tammy? “But we had always heard that your species was malevolent!”

“That was just bad publicity by some of our arch-enemies, like the Bad Hair Bandit and Macarena Man. They want to destroy the universe by promoting mullets and line dancing. They’ll do anything they can to destroy us. Fortunately, we can fight back,” my voice continued.

“How,” I asked, a little surprised that I could use my voice in this semi-conscious state?

“I’m glad you asked, my potential host,” my voice carried on. In return for allowing me to co-exist in your body, and assisting in our quest for galactic harmony, I can confer to you certain powers that make you special among your species.”

“Really??”

“Yes, really,” my voice continued. You will have enhanced abilities, based on your bodily functions. For example, you can control the volume and specific scent of your flatulence. You can also eructate in a similar manner, thus giving you the ability to employ multiple ‘weapons’ simultaneously.”

“But aren’t farting and belching in public crappy social culture, and against your doctrine for achieving galactic peace,” I countered?

“Only in the unenlightened societies. In advanced civilizations, people realize that burping, passing gas, urinating, and defecating are merely bodily functions, and are not looked down upon. They do, however, still appreciate a good fart joke.”

“That explains why I destroyed the hospital walls when I took the leak,” I surmised.

“Yes,” my voice continued. “Are you in?”

“Yes,” I surprisingly found myself immediately agreeing.

“I guess we all learned a little something tonight,” Tammy’s boyfriend observed.

Drop by tomorrow for the sixth installment.