Villa Del Palmar in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico Sucks!

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(This post was also originally written on Wednesday, October 26.)
I should tell you about the fucking hotel we're staying in. Let me preface my bitching by saying this... we got a GREAT deal on the room cost-wise. We only paid $300 for a week at a beachside resort in Puerto Vallarta.

That said though, I've got to say that Villa Del Palmar in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico is the absolute worst hotel I've ever stayed at in my life. I want to say this again, so there's no mistake about what I'm saying... Villa Del Palmar in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico is the absolute worst hotel I've ever stayed at in my life. It's as much a concentration camp as it is a hotel.

The torture started as soon as we got off of the plane. We disembarked, went through customs, and we were met by a man who said he'd take us to the hotel, but he wanted to sit us down and tell us about some of the things to do and see while we were here. So we sat down, he asked us about our flight, asked us what we had planned on doing here, and so forth. You know... small talk. Then he started showing us some of the tours that they put together and sponsor. As he was leafing through his book, I saw a few pages that he wasn't ready for me to see... the pages where they try to get us to sign up for timesharing.

I'd already been told about this scam by a buddy of mine, and I told the dude that I wasn't interested. I said "Look, we're not interested in a timeshare."

"Oh no, this isn't timeshare," he replied. "We just want to sit down with you and have breakfast. It only take an hour or so."

"No."

"But my boss wants to meet all guests."

"I'll bet he does," I sarcastically retorted. "He wants me to buy a timeshare. It's not gonna happen."

"But..."

"But nothing. We've been traveling for ten hours, and this is our honeymoon. I don't want to talk business, I want to go to my hotel room with my wife and relax. You said that you'd take us to the hotel. We want to go now!"

"Just a couple more minutes, my friends."

"No! We're leaving now!" I said, as we grabbed our luggage and took a taxi to the hotel.

I won't go into the details of the other half dozen or so hotel employees that have tried to convince us to do the timeshares, and how many various ways they tried, but it's ALL OVER the place! It's at the hotel, at the airport, even at the marketplaces. I've been tempted to buy a big gold shirt with big black letters that says "No, I don't want a timeshare. No, I don't want a gold card." (The gold card is a discount card you get when you buy a timeshare membership.) This, my friends, is only the beginning of the stupid shit we've put up with at this shit-hole hotel. Here's a quick synopsis of the other stuff...

Getting onto the resort property is a hassle -- especially after 11:00 PM or so. They've got the Gestapo standing at the gate with a pen and paper. They ask you your room number. They know how many people are in your room, so if you come through with people you met up with at the hotel (like we did), you need to tell them each and every hotel room. And I won't even go into the cavity searches.

It's a beach resort, but by "beach" I mean a sliver of beachfront that's not quite big enough for a towel. You've got to stand in line to see the beach, and there's a time limit, so the other "guests" can get a look-see. And gold card members get head of the line privileges.

When we checked in, we were told that we'd have to pay a "tip fee" of $3.50 per day. This is to compensate non-tipped employees.

They REQUIRE you to bill everything to your room. You CANNOT pay cash... not at the bar, not at the restaurants... nowhere.

The room has a kitchenette, complete with a coffee pot and blender. Great for people like me who love coffee and margaritas. Next to the condiments area, there's a little sign that says something like "Hey dudes, we don't replenish these supplies. If you run out, feel free to buy more at our corner market." And to add insult to injury, there was no regular coffee to begin with -- and only two filters!

If you lose your room key or safe key, it's a $50 (U.S.) fee to replace it.

If you lose your remote control to the TV, its a $75 fee.

If you want to play pool at the hotel, they require a $20 deposit. (We didn't try it, because we figured they'd find a way to screw us out of the deposit. "You left chalk on the table.")

So, what's the moral of the story? Villa Del Palmar in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico is the absolute worst hotel I've ever stayed at in my life. Now, everyone, say it with me... Villa Del Palmar in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico is the absolute worst hotel I've ever stayed at in my life.

Later on, I'll post the good shit. And believe me, there's some once-in-a-lifetime good shit coming up.

NOTE: I still hate the place, but I will admit that I liked the view at sunrise and sunset. In this set of pictures, the sunrise pics were taken from my hotel balcony, and the sunset pics were taken on the beach. In the end though, I'd still say Villa Del Palmar in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico sucks!